Message to my younger self: things turned out ok.

I stumbled across an old blog that I had (and forgot about). I only had a few posts, and they were my first attempts at blogging.  Some general observations of my younger, twenty-something self: I was extremely witty..and extremely lonely.  Perhaps the severe wittiness covered the pain that it took to grow into myself.

Would I tell myself, knowing what I know now, that it's going to be o.k.?
Would I tell young Dani that I would find that epic, soul-filling, heart-bursting love that I thought only existed in romance novels? 
Would I tell young Dani that all the stress that I experienced, in my then job, would lead to a professional growth that would be an asset and a strength that I would carry forward? 
Would I tell young Dani that the path she dreamed of would be completely different... and better?
Would I tell young Dani that the weight-loss journey never stops?
Would I tell young Dani that she would continue to be witty, but out of a genuine happiness, and not from a place of pain? 
Would I tell young Dani that financial hardships never really stop, but she would eventually learn the value of (and be a better manager of) money?
Would I tell younger Dani that she shouldn't have held back on going to all those places she dreamed of while she had the chance to do so?
Would I tell young Dani to not hold back because of fear?
Would I tell younger Dani to take better care of her health and be more proactive in addressing her respiratory issues she had then?
Would I tell young Dani that things get so much better when she hits her thirties?
Would I tell young Dani that the confidence she lacked (hidden behind her tough and witty exterior) would actually blossom into a real, solid, confidence?

I never though that a blog would be a portal into a life I once lived. That my memories would fade as I move forward, eager to experience new things. That I would have the opportunity to look back and see my own words and thoughts... and be able to look at them with the same eyes, but fresh ones.

To answer my questions: No, I wouldn't tell young Dani anything. Young Dani had to grow and learn and experience to be where she's at today.  And maybe one day, Old Dani will look back at this blog, with old but fresh eyes, and be able to write to thirty-something Dani with words of wisdom on things current Dani can't possibly fathom now.

Personal Passions and living the dream: If not now, when?

One of my favorite bloggers, Carolina Girl, lamented recently on her blog about the struggle she is having to find her life passion and fears that she is missing out on finding "it". (Click here to read the specific post).

I think that unless you are living your passion out (and loving it), we can all relate to her struggle. I can certainly relate, having wasted spent the last 6 years that a job I hated, fooling myself into thinking I could tolerate it because it was a steady job that paid the bills. Or maybe you have liked your job well enough, and it provides all the things you want but you still feel that something is missing in your life.

One of the arguments about pursuing your passion is that it doesn't pay well or that there is no security offered. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I found out after six years, the "sure thing" offered no more security and I was promptly laid off. Six years of putting my desires on the back burner, and all it got me was a "thanks but no thanks".


I sort of relate pursing your passion like blowing a piece of bubble gum. There is a procedure that you have to undergo to get the perfect bubble, with considerable risk that it might explode on your face if you push the limits of what is achievable. First you have to prepare the piece to the perfect consistency, and then you have to put effort into blowing so that the bubble can expand. It requires patience and a sense of knowing when to stop.

That said, if it does explode on your face, you can always try again. If the gum looses flavor, you can always stop chewing or try again with a different piece. The risk might be great, but the reward is so amazing.

I finally did find a job, temporary and lasting one year, that I well enjoy. Do I feel passionate about this job? Probably not. But I get a year to test it out and figure if this is what I want to do. But at least it is a step in the right direction. I am also in a new relationship that is leading to a degree of permanence and stability, so my passions will likely change as I consider not just my needs, but the needs of others (spouse, children etc).

I have always wanted to be a romance novel writer and maybe I will become a writer one day, but right now, it's not at the fore front of my thoughts. I also have a number of other dreams and the ranking changes like I change. But it is important to realize that like gum, you can always change the flavor or the brand if what you are pursing is no longer your passion.

Trying to pinpoint one's passion when one is growing and changing and evolving puts limits on your dreams. It doesn't allow you to adapt or change your dreams as your life changes and you acquire new interests.

I also think that maybe living the ordinary life, doing ordinary things, is fine. It's not exciting, but there is something to be said about enjoying the day to day life. There is a certain pleasure in chewing the gum, not just blowing the gum. The opportunities will present themselves and you will know when to go after them.

That all said, it still leaves us with a burning question: If not now, when?

When do you pursue your passions? When do you take the courage and risk to blow the bubble? You can't just spend your life chewing and then wondering why you never got to see a bubble. At what point do you need to stop considering the safety in what you have, and the needs of others, to pursue your own desires?

A friend of mine recently said that she puts her husband and her kids first. Commendable and as it should be at this stage of her kids life. But not once did she mention putting her needs first, and not once did she mention herself as a priority, not once did she put importance on her own passions.

So what then? How do you balance the realities of life, like the need to pay rent and the need to eat food, with the burning desire to pursue your passion? I think what makes it harder is when you see people who pursue their passions, at great cost, and they are either happy or have made a success of pursuing their passion at all cost.

Hmmm. I have a feeling that this is the kind of topic that never ends, that you will go back to again and again as you discover different ways of viewing things and experience different stages of your life.

Our God is An Awesome God.

After I was laid off from work, I started suffering from a spiritual dry spell. It's not entirely uncommon for someone after the first year to suffer one. And although I've had mini-spells in the past, that was nothing compared to the dullness in my heart of the last two months. From someone who is newly baptized (2009), who loves the Catholic faith with all her heart, this particular dry spell was painful.

Painful is an understatement. This spell tore at my heart. Nothing is worse than going through the motions of being a Catholic when the faith has given you unmeasurable gifts. What do you do when God, through his disciples, is giving you all these gifts on an open platter, and all you want to do is curl up and cry?

The answer of course is to keep going. And keep praying. It seems counter intuitive, but going through the motions is just what I needed to do. Even if it seemed empty. Even if it felt like my prayers were half baked or not being answered at all.

Because one day you go and it hits you like a ton of bricks. One day, you go and someone says something that switches the light bulb on. It's like all that misery get's swept away and the Holy Spirit fills your heart so hard, you almost fall over.

Last night was that night for me. I am blessed to live in an Archdiocese that really makes an effort to reach out to everyone for their every need. We have an Archbishop (click to read his blog) who has this amazing ability to take something so complex, simplify it, and then repose the issue into other aspects of your life that you never considered before. And my church in particular has so many wonderful priests that can make a homily apply no matter what your situation is.

Last night I got to experience something new. There was an all night prayer vigil for the sanctity of life, and the Young Adult group put on a prayer session for two hours that BLEW MY MIND AWAY. The music, although familiar from the radio, was unlike anything I have ever heard sing at a Catholic Church. It was upbeat, contemporary, inspiring. The whole service, especially the Archbishops' homilies made an issue that I have long since struggled with make sense. It takes a while sometimes to change your mind on something. But there was not one thing said last night that didn't make complete sense.

I left feeling a whole new person, with a new purpose and new sense of being. And in the moment of reflection when I got home, I realized that this was God acting when you need him the most. This was God at his absolute best - answering prayers and guiding his flock. And I am so thankful that two years ago, I said yes. Because the gifts of faith just keep on giving.

Our God is truly an awesome God.

So Small.

I think that sometimes there is a song that just FITS YOUR LIFE. Like the lyric Gods were waiting for you to listen to it.



This is truly my perfect song that sings...shouts...my life story from the rooftops.

So Small- Carrie Underwood.

What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

It's the little things.

Hi all. It is Miss Inconsistent here to share her thoughts. I'm sorry I don't blog often. I wish I did. I wish I blogged everyday. There really is nothing to stop me from doing so but myself.
I think the problem I have in blogging is the same thing I have in life, which nets the same results.

I fail to notice the little things that bring me joy or teach me something new about myself.

I get so wrapped up in the big things, that I forget to take time to embrace and live in the little things. Here are a few examples:

• Church: I get so wrapped up in my various obligations, that I forgot to take time to just simply sit, listen and pray.

• Work: I get so wrapped up in the big issues that I fail to see how the little issues are the ones that are chipping away at me. Further, I get so wrapped up in trying to succeed in the big projects, that I fail to take proper credit for the little ones.

• Family: I get caught up in the big life events as that compel us forward that I fail to be thankful for the joy of the everyday little things that my family does like watch reality t.v. together, which also moves us forward in joy.

• Friends: I share in the joy of my friends big events and focus on the awesome one time things they do for me, that I fail to truly show my appreciation for the little things they do. Like lend an ear. Or their heart. Or their time and talents.

• Well Being: I get so focused in this all or nothing approach to diet and exercise that I don't do the small things that will bring permanent change.

• Relationships: I seek an all consuming love that I don't focus on the other aspects that I want, like humour, trust, an ability to be there truly for me.

This leads to blogging. I sometimes get it into my head that I have to have a theme. That I have to have some sort of message. That if there is a topic that comes to my head, I have to post until the topic is exhausted.

When I look back at my posts, I loved the early ones. They were full of humour and joy. They were full of random thoughts. They were full of the honest to God things I think of every day. Not the convoluted themes that have seemingly emerged since. Did I honestly thing that I could write a full month on military tribute? Did I truly believe that I could offer a weeks full of advice on relationships?

It's not that I can't offer an opinion. But I must be able to blog what is in my head at the moment I think it. I need my blog to be the free spirit I wish to be.

I realized last week that the reason why I was unhappy is not because of the "larger forces" out there beyond my control (work, people, events). It was because of something so little: I lacked confidence in myself. I lacked confidence in my ability to just be me within the larger picture. Me, so small in this world.

But the world is made up of little things. It is the filler. It is the essence of life. It is the movement forward. Big events....big moments...they are just the curves in the world that move the small cars forward from one end to the other. In between the corners are the trees, houses, people. All so little, but without we cannot fully appreciate the anticipation that a curve will bring without knowing that it will surely bring something indeed.

So I will blog more. And I will blog often. I will blog what comes into my mind. Randomly. And with the true pleasure that I am giving homage to the little things that make me live a large life. It's the little things in life that truly give me pleasure and truly teaches me lessons about myself.

P.S. So why did I post the picture I did? Well someone told me I look like Renee Zelwigger. And I think to myself that I am much like Bridget Jones (a character she played). Deeply flawed, floating through life, making mistake after mistake, with the heart full of good intentions. I posted the picture because it represents the little things about me. My insecurities. My shames. My indulgences. My quirkiness. My love of sleeping in with a warm blanket and pj's.

After all..it's the little things that make me truly happy.

Military Poem: In Flander's Field

This poem is an institution in Canada. In fact, i'm willing to bet that adult over the age of 20 can recite this poem verbatim. I have my thoughts about the Poppy as symbol which I am saving for a different blog. But in the meantime, really read the words and reflect on what it means to you.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead.

Short days ago we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved, and were loved, and now we lie

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

— Lt.-Col. John McCrae (1872 - 1918)

Taking Chance

I won't lie. I love military theme movies. Anyone who watches military movies will know that in every military film, someone dies. Generally, the plot goes as follows:

• Introduce character by showing him with loving family (usually newly married wife)
• Show him bonding with his band of brothers
• They go into battle
• He miraculously dies saving his buddy
• Flash forward to buddy going to wife's home and she collapses in his arms and they both cry.

However, the one thing you never see, hear, or even discuss is what happens from the death at the battlefield to the time the body arrives home. And I am certain that most people never even think of all the honor and glory that goes into that process.

My friend Joanne recommended that I watch the HBO movie called Taking Chance (starring Kevin Bacon). It is based on a true journals by Lieutenant Colonel Michael Strobl, USMC. (<- click to read...well worth the read).

Point of Clarification: She did not gently recommend the movie. She rented the movie and then physically brought it over to my house and insisted that I watch it that night with implied threats of what would happen if I didn't watch the movie. (Her husband is a two-term US army veteran so I take all threats seriously..lol).

I can't even begin to express how much I love this movie. I STRONGLY recommend that everyone watch this movie. In fact, I think it should be required as part of the high school curriculum.

Although it was robbed of an Emmy award (because academy voters tend to go for dramatic star-filled heart string movies over movies with subtlety and nuance), it deserves a place of honor in your film catalogue.

I felt like I was watching a watercolor being painted. I felt like I was witnessing the most honorable of human actions with the quietest of dignity. Does anyone ever think of what happens to the body from field to funeral? Do you think about how you feel about a soldier who dies.

So I will leave with a preview and a synopsis. And then you MUST run out and get the movie.

In April 2004, Lieutenant Colonel Michael Strobl, USMC, came across the name of 19-year-old Lance Corporal Chance Phelps, a young Marine who had been killed by hostile fire in Al Anbar Province, Iraq. Strobl, a Desert Storm veteran with 17 years of military service, requested that he be assigned for military escort duty to accompany Chance's remains to his family in Dubois, Wyo.Witnessing the spontaneous outpouring of support and respect for the fallen Marine - from the groundskeepers he passed along the road to the cargo handlers at the airport - Strobl was moved to capture the experience in his personal journal. His first-person account, which began as an official trip report, gives an insight into the military's policy of providing a uniformed escort for all casualties. The story became an Internet phenomenon when it was widely circulated throughout the military community and eventually reached the mainstream media. 'Taking Chance' chronicles one of the silent, virtually unseen journeys that takes place every day across the country, bearing witness to the fallen and all those who, literally and figuratively, carry them home. A uniquely non-political film about the war in Iraq, the film pays tribute to all of the men and women who have given their lives in military service as well as their families. An HBO Films presentation of a Motion Picture Corporation of America and Civil Dawn Pictures production, Taking Chance marks the directorial debut of two-time Oscar®-nominated producer Ross Katz ('Lost in Translation'). The screenplay is by Lt. Col Michael R. Strobl, USMC (Ret.) and Ross Katz, based on the journal of the same name by Strobl, who also serves as military consultant. Strobl, who recently retired after serving 24 years in the U.S. Marine Corps, developed the original story with the strong support of Phelps' parents, John Phelps and Gretchen Mack. The executive producers are Brad Krevoy ('A Love Song for Bobby Long'), Cathy Wischner-Sola and Ross Katz; the co-executive producer is William Teitler (HBO's 'Empire Falls'); and the producer is Lori Keith Douglas ('The Notorious Bettie Page'). HBO Films vice president Jenni Sherwood is the executive in charge of the production.

Tribute Video

So I had this great idea planned for a blog today, but I'm having a bit of an architectural crisis going on at my home (water leaking from the upstairs tub into my downstairs furnace room/hall closet) so I just couldn't get the energy to post something thoughtful and insightful.

I decided to post this great You Tube Video to express what I cannot.

* Music is from my favourite band of all time, 3 Doors Down, collaborating with my favorite singer of all time, Bob Seeger. Song is called Landing in London from 3DD album 17 Days*

Kick Ass Quote of the Day!

There comes a point in your life when you realize:

Who matters

Who never did

Who won't anymore

And who always will

So, don't worry about people from your past,there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Creative dry spells and random ramblings.

Have you ever just sat there and could not think of anything to write about, despite having a list of awesome ideas in the back of your head? Or you have this awesome idea, but cannot articulate yourself for the life of you?

That is me right now. If you only knew all of the awesome things floating in ye olde noggin right now...but I just don't have the energy/stamina/thought process to take the idea and expand it beyond a few sentences.

I could write about my idea half-assed. Or I could just save them until later. Which I will do because nothing is worse than a great idea posted blandly. But here are some random stuff anyways just to tantilize my fellow 4 readers with the possibility of something exciting down the pipe.

1) *inside joke moment that only two other's will get* : I think that Pantless Jones and Shirtless Jones needs to have a long lost African-American cousin/brother(played by that hot guy that is dating the chick from The View). He can be "Wet T-Shirt Jones". Junior...this is a huge plot twist idea that you could totally work into the story. Maybe he is the "mysterious man"....

2) The Biggest Loser is having their finale this week. I will blog more about this later (as I have so many things to say since my last post, and I am already sad about the idea of a few months without Bob Harper)....but needless to say, I am stoked. I so want either Tara or Mike to win. It is on Tuesday and I can't wait to see all the transformations.

3) Speaking of weightloss, I have a bet with my friend on who can loose the most weight in a 10 week period. Since there is cash on the line, I have to get my ass in gear and get serious now!!!

4) I'm becoming a Lector at my church. I am very excited as they are coming out with the new readings at the end of Pentecost. I hope I sound as good as I think I do. LOL.

5) Speakin of church....ashamed to admit this...but a certain Deacon's son is very hot. Like smoking hot. I'm going to hell for impure thoughts about the Deacon's son. LOLZ.

6) I need a new bra. But why do bra's for big chested woman come in the form of a military issued underwire? They can poke eyes out!\

7) So far, my book tally is nilch. But I still love being Canadian and I want to post more about this soon!

Cheers all!

Do it today: Motivation and the Journey forward.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

It's never too late to try

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

You could be so many people

If you make that break for freedom

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

We need a change

Do it today

I can feel my spirit rising

We need a change

So do it today

Cause I can see a clear horizon

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

**********

"If you really take care of yourself, your body will take care of you". ~Bob Harper.

What steps do we take to make our weight loss goals a reality? In yesterday's blog, I spoke about the pitfalls of relying solely on motivation, specifically from others. But today, I wanted to focus on how we can use motivation as a source of strength.

In thinking of what to write today, I was going to come up with ideas. But when I started writing, I realized I was about to fall in the same trap that inspired this post in the first place. I realized that I cannot tell or force my ideas on others. That the things that might motivate me, may not work for others. And if I argue that our role is to inspire our friends instead of motivate our friends, then I bloody well couldn't just sit here and tell people how to motivate themselves.

So what do I write about then? How do I take the idea of motivation and move forward?

Then it hit me. Like someone going to McGyver to fix them out of a jam, I need to go to my McGyver. My person that can explain things in a way that makes sense to me. So who is my McGyver? Well, it all comes back to Bob..... Bob Harper that is.

It's not exactly a state secret that I LOVE BOB HARPER. And who better to talk about motivation then Bob Harper. View this and I will continue on.



What can we learn from Bob?

• Don't just sit back and wonder, get out and inquire
• Give it a try, and allow yourself to take part in the journey.
• Success is often found when you least expect it, but never found if you don't at least try.
• There is nothing wrong with travelling down a different road on your journey, whether it be by choice or by circumstance. If we keep taking the interstate, we end up missing the sights along the way.
• Even if you find success, that doesn't mean you have to settle for just that. Always seek your calling or allow yourself to have your calling seek you.
• Are you ready? Yes you are. The next step is to just do.

By the way, the song at the top is an excerpt from the song Proud, which is the theme song of the Biggest Loser. No better words to get you started, eh?

~Dani.

*Tomorrow I will unveil "Shoot the Shit Saturday", my post of random, light hearted stuff to end the week*

Motivation Part One: To thine own self be true.

*In my previous post on weightloss, Joanne and Junior both spoke about motivation. But the contrast between the two when it comes to motivation could not be any different. This post is part one of two on motivation and the weight loss journey.

Joanne is my friend. I have known her for over half my life. She figuratively lives 5 houses down from me. And since the beginning of time (or so it seems), we have tried to loose weight together. From joining Weight Watchers numerous times or joining the gym, we are queen's of the old join and ditch. That is to say, we have mastered the art of good intentions, and perfected the routine of ditching the program half way through. Recently, we both joined WW for the umpteenth time. And through no fault of her own, she broke her wrist slipping on ice while jogging *a pitful of living in Canada* .

In contrast, Junior recently blogged about his goal for 2009 to be fit and fine. And although we don't know each other except through blog, I was immediately motivated by his journey to want to improve myself too.

So this got me thinking. Why is it that with some people, you can motivate each other. And with others, it's a struggle?

Part could be because of the way we relate to weight. Although I have always considered myself big (because of bad body images), the reality is that growing up, I really wasn't. In fact, I was a scrawny sack of bones with big tits and thighs. Junior himself was skinny. So we know what it was like to be skinny. Our weight gain feels like a dissapointment about our lack of control at a time when we should know better. If we could just get our sh*t together and loose weight, we know we will keep it off because we will never want to go back to being overweight.

In contrast, Joanne was always bigger growing up and her weight loss was recent. So her emotions about weight would come from a different perspective on weight. In that she knows what it's like to be big and achieve success, but she is motviated by a fear of failure. That if she doesn't constantly try to maintain her weight loss, all it takes is one slip and because of gentics, she will gain it back like that.

So where am I going with this?

I belive in two things.

• Not everyone can be a compatible weight loss buddies.
• Seeking motivation from others instead of yourself will always lead to failure.

I discussed the first point; now let me expand on the second point.

If there is any thing I have learned from my numerous kicks at the can, it's that true motivation can only come within and from things that you can control.

I can't control others. They can't control me. Together we can't control the unexpected life events that interfere with our weight loss intentions.

I mean, Joanne breaks her wrist and I stop going. What is wrong with that sentance?

Is it the fault of Joanne's that I stopped going when there is a Weight Watchers 5 minutes from my office that is open daily? I can't unbreak Joanne's wrist. But like every other time in the past, when my external motivation is delayed, my internal motivation breaks down too. Yes, finding the right program goes a long way to helping. But true motivation means that you find a way to make whatever you are faced with work for you.

The fact of the matter is that when life throws you a curve, you and only you have to have some sort of anchor that keeps you in place when the world spins around you. It's awesome if you can have a friend/friends that motivates you. But if you don't find non-friend motivations, you will always be destined to fail. That doesn't mean that you never stop working out with your friends or sharing your journey. It's just that your friends cannot be the answer to your weight loss journey, nor the excuse for the setbacks you face.

Furthermore, I think that it is better to look to your friends for inspiration, not motivation.

I can never be dissapointed if I am inspired by what my friends are doing. Let the inspiration of their success be your motivation and take the pressure off of them to keep you motivated.

I will post tomorrow about what truly motivates me, and what we should be looking for when we seek motivation.

~Dani.

P.S. Jo and Junior: You both inspire me.