I miss my friend(s).

Image source: readinasinglesitting.com

I have been planning my wedding for some time now, and in two months, I will be walking down the aisle. The planning has for the most part been ok, with a few stressful moment here and there. Nothing that deep-breathing and a night of hard drinking can't solve.  I can't wait for the day to arrive, when I marry the man that I love, and we start our little humble life together.

And while plans are coming along, and things are falling into place, there is a small part of me that is sad. Two people will not be part of my celebrations.  I loved both deeply. I felt connected to both deeply. But because of reasons I can't control, or won't control, neither will be there.

 ******

Wendy was a dear friend that I met through my fiance. She was the wife of his best friend. She wasn't going to wait for dear fiance to introduce us. She took the bull by the horns, found me on Facebook, introduced herself, and immediately made plans for us to hang out - regardless of whether it was good for my fiance or her husband (and that didn't really change after we met... ha ha!).

She was warm, loving, awesome, funny, lovable, trustworthy....everything you could want in a friend. When the time came to plan my wedding, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she was going to be a bridesmaid. And when I did ask, we cried (the happy tears) and I told her she was one of my best friends, and she said the same back. Then, just when things were getting to a point where we were in sync, where we could read each others minds and finish each others sentances, she was cruelly taken away from me. On September 30th, 2011, she passed away suddenly.

My heart broke (and is still fractured) that day. It's slowly started to heal, but I live in a world of constant reminders of her. The bright golden rod sun. The lady bugs flying by. A song by Sting on the radio. I really miss her in those moments when I am planning my wedding, overwhelmed with choices and emotions, and I don't have my rock to support me.

But there is nothing I can do. I have to accept that she will be there in spirit, and most importantly, I will have to be o.k. with that.

 ******

Samia was a dear friend that I met when I started working at Safeway back in 1995, fresh out of high school. We both started work on the same day, me as a cashier, she as a florist. We pretty much hit it off right from the get-go, but it wasn't until the Safeway strike of 1998 that our friendship really took off. It was also the time that her mother died, and I spent so much time going over to her place, being a rock to lean off, that I practically lived there!

Our time together was so much fun. We would check-out guys together while working (a term I use loosely). We would confide in each other. She would teach me how to make certain types of Lebenese foods. I would pass along gossipy news about co-workers. We shared our feelings, our emotions, our fears. I would go to weddings of her family members, because I was part of the family. We laughed (a lot). We did the craziest shit together.

In many ways, what was great about Samia is that she was my friend that I didn't have to share with anybody. Almost all of my friends know each other (from junior and senior high), so even if you are really close with one person, you still have to share them with others. But with Samia, she was my friend that was independant from the others. And I told her things that I just couldn't tell others. We had a bond that was strong.

Unfortuneately, my life path was very much different from hers. Our education was different (highschool with some floral certificate courses vs. university). Our cultural expectations were different (the expectation to be a wife/mother vs. the expectation to be a career woman). And as we both were growing, it started to become harder to overlook those differences. If that wasn't strenuous enough, I was going through emotional and financial difficulties which made me sometimes withdrawn or stressed or depressed. I just simply couldn't meet her emotional needs or expectations as a friend.

So we would fight. At first it was just little petty arguments. With our similar mindset and similar argumentative style, it was easy to have a big blow-out. Through the hardships of her own growing up, she wasn't exactly a forgiving person (in the sense of reaching out first). A few months would go by, and then I would call her up. We would hash it out, and things would be better (another term I use loosely). We made vows that we would talk out our issues before they got out of control.

Then the fights started escalating to deeper, more intense - but infinately more petty - arguments and misunderstandings. The time before last, I called her up after 1.5 years, and at that point, she had lost all her weight, but my situation was getting worse (work was beyond stressful, life was just piling up, my emotions all over the place).  So while her expectations of what she needed in a friend changed, mine got more demanding, but I was less giving.

Our last big fight was in 2008. I was having a busy, stressful month at work.  I wasn't necessarily returning calls right away. Things were spiralling out of control. Work was affecting my life, my mood, my emotion, my relationships. She called one day, but I didn't get the message. In the meantime, I called her once quickly at work, but someone else answered, and clearly, had not passed on the message. One day, I was having a particularly rough day, and I checked my phone messages. And she had bascially yelled me out, with a few choice names, for not returning her call after two weeks. Clearly, there was misunderstandings, missed calls, miscommunication - and our vow to patch things out went out the window.

I was pissed off, angry, hurt. I was done. 

So there you be. It's been four years now. Four years of me almost picking up the phone. Once I messaged her sister through Facebook, but it wasn't a genuine apology because I was still in a place of hurt. Since then, I have grown. Spiritually. Emotionally. Mentally. Things are right now. There is still the part of me that misses Samia, especially when times are tough. Living in the north end of town near "little Lebanon", it is hard not to be reminded of her. But I am doubtful that things would change if we were to reconnect. And I am certain that we both have changed so much that it wouldn't be the same anyways.

******

In a prefect world, if life had worked out as it should have, both Wendy and Samia would be an integral part of my day, and my life. 

I miss my friends. One I will never get a chance to say I love you again, and the other I just don't see the opportunity to say so happening.

Dani wades into politics...does she drown or float?

Hello my faithful readers of 5. It's blog time. (a.k.a. I'm sick and bored out of my tree, and possibly picking for a fight...one that I will have no energy to actually fight back, thus rendering this post useless. But I digress.)

This has been an interesting election to say the least. The Alberta PC Party has been the monarchy government in power since well before I was born. I honestly thought I would die before they were ever remotely close to loosing power. The Alberta Liberal Party has been the official ghost opposition for just as long, with the Alberta New Democrat Party hanging on for dear life.

Then some weird things started to happen.

• Cowboys and rig pigs started getting pissed off at their PC party for moving to the center, so every single slight from royalty taxes to land rights started to become a bone of contention. In response, they voted Allison Redford, who kinda looks like she belongs to the Liberal Party (through a screwy system in which the 3rd place candidate became the leader.)
• Middle class white collar liberals started fracturing because of lack of leadership, vision, and fatigue at constantly sailing on the Titanic. So some left and formed The Alberta Party, which is what you get when you merge a Liberal and a Conservative...I think? So how did the Liberals respond? They elected to their leadership someone who used to be a PC Conservative party member, who quite frankly is a odd-ball who has great one liners, but shaky policy promises.
• The NDP carried on as always, appealing to the hippies, students, and eco-warriors, continuing to be led by a blue-collar worker (who doesn't have the support of actual blue-collar workers) who has led the party down in seats after every election.
• Remember those pissed-off cowboys and rig pigs? Well they got attracted to a shiny new party, the Wildrose Alliance Party of Alberta. They elect someone who is a self-professed Libertarian to lead the socially conservative group, one that make's the PC's look like New Democrats. In the process, they nominated a pastor who hates gays, a man who thinks he's pretty fly for a white guy, and a member who likes to rub elbows with the KKK.

So are we clear? We have a liberal leading the conservatives, a conservative leading the liberals, a blue-collar worker leading the hippies, and a libertarian leading the conservative party, and a new liberal party led by another conservative.

You have a party that has ruled, unchallenged, for so long that they have ignored and pissed-off their base, and sometimes reek of corruption. You have a shiny new party with good fiscal policies, but scary-as-shit candidates running on scary-as-shit social issues. You have a party that has been destroyed by a scary-as-shit conservative pretending to be a liberal. You have a party that has no hope in hell of winning in this province because of good social policy but crazy-bad fiscal policy. And you have another shiny new party made up of mostly former liberals pretending to be Red Tory's. 

What this election has come down to is change.What kind of change do we want?

I will say a few personal thoughts:

• Change for the sake of change isn't a great reason to change. I don't think the PC government had operated as badly as some claim, but I don't think they've governed as well as they should have. If they do get elected back into power, let's hope they remember how close they came to losing it all, and get back to being a government, not a monarchy. *Note: I like monarchy's, but only the royal kind...not the political kind*
• On that same note, as scary as some of the candidates are, I don't think the WRA is as bad as some make them out to be. They do have some good policies. Every time Danielle Smith speaks, I am scared less and less, and more sure that nut-jobs will be tempered. For that matter, as scary as some of the new parties candidates are, we are also the same province that let a government sit in power for 41 years with members who thought the same thing (Ted Morton, Doug Elniski, Tony Abbott etc...). So why the outrage now? If Alberta was ok with nutters for 41 years without speaking out, I suspect they will be ok with nutters for 41 more years....
• Don't discount the other parties. They have good policies, and who ever wins the election amongst the two leading conservatives party, it would behoove that leader to sit down with these other parties and cherry-pick the best they have to offer. It makes sense.

Despite the craziness, I think everyone should vote. But instead of voting strategically, vote for who you truly believe in, and let the election be a true reflection of Alberta's views. It may surprise people in ways they didn't suspect and lead to a better balance of power amongst all parties.

Also, one final note: I know we are tempted in social media to use it like a bully field, tweeting punches left and right. I know we can get upset about issues, people, viewpoints. But remember that we are all human. No one person is one-dimensional. Allan Hunsperger is also a caring family man, father, husband, grandfather who does mission work in third world countries, and served his community in good faith for many years, and maybe in the fullness of time will come to see the error of his thinking by meeting people of the LGBQT community.

People vote for parties for many different reasons. A vote for the PC's does not necessarily mean a vote for pay nothing committees. A vote for the WRA does not necessarily mean a vote for bigotry. A vote for the NDP does not necessarily mean a vote for stricter environment regulations.

We all have our views. We all have our issues that are important to us. And we vote accordingly. If the vote doesn't turn out your way, people aren't stupid. They are informed on the issues important to them, which don't necessarily mean the issues important to you.

Looking Back: Best of Divulge with Dani

Hi faithful readers (of four)! I've decided to approach my blog with a clean slate, always ever moving forward. But before I do, I thought I would catch you up with some of my favourite blogs since inception. In the off-chance that someone new reads my blog, they can save themselves the ordeal of having to read all my crap posts to find the gems. If you are a regular reader (all four of you), then you can re-live my humour, insight, bullshit, and general thoughts! It's sometimes good to look back, to see how far you have come....

Here is a list of what I think are my best blogs. Some reflect humour. Some reflect my struggles and thoughts on life. Some are just plain fun (or funny). So have a seat, grab a drink, and read away mes amies!

• Catholic Sunday's: I'm becoming a Catholic, not a Saint (22 March 2009) - I enjoy this post because it was humourous, and it takes me back to my journey on becoming a Catholic
• This Used to be my Playground (17 June 2009): These words still ring true today.
• My field of dreams, and the discovery of my love for baseball (12 July 2009): I love baseball, and this post explains why.
• Skinny memories...shaky at best (12 July 2009): I exposed some of my vulnerability here, and to this day, this post remains true.
• Wild Species Survival Guide: The Obnoxious Baseball Fan (13 July 2009): Seriously, this may very well be my best and most favourite post. I was particularly witty this day.
• It's the little things (9 February 2010): Not a great post per se, but my blogging, and life habits for that matter, remain the same. The more things change....
• That's What I Love About Sundays (13 February 2010): A fun little random, happy, post with a great song.
• A Day with the Catz (15 February 2010): A funny little post about my adventures in cat-sitting.
• Confession Time: I am a Farmville Horder (19 June 2010): A funny post on a game that I finally gave up, but this post, and the picture, still makes me laugh.  
• The Boys of Fall (12 August 2010): Oh, how I love fall! Not a stellar post or anything, but I still enjoy the song, and it captures a bit of who I am. Taps into my nostalgia.
• Personal passions and living the dream: if not now, when? (2 October 210): I like to go back to this post everyonce in a while to reflect and ask myself this question every once in a while. It's something I'm constantly questioning...

So I hope you enjoyed those posts. It gives you a bit of a sense of my blogging style, which is to say, totally random.

2011: Meh.

Hello faithful readers (all four of you).  It's been a while. In fact, I'm quite embaressed that I have blogged a whopping total of one time this year. But that's neither here nor there. I'm back now. It's all part of the rediscover-what-I-love-to-do journey I've been on lately.

This last year has been, shall we say, interesting.  I've had the best, and worst, moments of my life bundled up into 365 days. My mood has been all over the map this year. The best I can some up 2011 is: meh.

The highs? The love of my life, Mr. M, proposed to me in Las Vegas on my birthday! We went for a week, staying at the beautiful Mandalay Bay with a strip view. After a day of pampering, including a spa treatment and a trip to the beauty salon, we went to The Mix at the top of the Mandalay Bay. After a glorious, and expensive, dinner, he popped the question. This day will forever be one of the best moments of my life. The love I have for Mr. M overwhelms me everyday of my life. He's truly my soulmate and my best friend.

The lows? Where to begin. Oh where to begin. Do we start with the diagnosis of sarcoidosis? Shall I begin by mentioning the debilitating pain I went through for three months? And the endless tests I had to (and still have to) endure? The disease I will carry for the rest of my life, even if it stays in remission?

Or should we declare the death of my beautiful friend Wendy as the lowest of lows? I miss her beautiful smile, her wise words, our shared laughter, our shared cattiness, and our eskimo kisses. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think of Wendy. Where I don't miss her to the depths of my heart.

Perhaps, more painfully, is the changing nature of friendships that has been the hardest to deal with. The loss of a friend due to a sudden death is a tragedy. The loss of a friend, through a misunderstanding, or a change in circumstances, or through some preventable or unpreventable action is devastating.  When changes like this occur, you question yoursellf. You question what you thought was true. You question what you thought was reliable. You question what you thought was constant. Did you do enough? Did you do too much? Did it matter in the end? Or was it inevitable? 

Sometimes though, the pain about a friendship can occur while you are still friends with that person. You are still friends, sure. But it's not the same. Things have changed, good or bad, and so has the friendship, sometimes catching you blindsided.

When December 31, 2011 at 11:59:59 comes, I will not mourn what was 2011. It was a meh year to be sure. But 2012 holds out so much hope. Come this time next year, I will be a wife, and trying to concieve a baby (if not already pregnant). I have so much to look forward to that, as painful as the last year was, the hope of the future outshines any sadness I carry with me.

Happy New Years my faithful readers (of four)!

Message to my younger self: things turned out ok.

I stumbled across an old blog that I had (and forgot about). I only had a few posts, and they were my first attempts at blogging.  Some general observations of my younger, twenty-something self: I was extremely witty..and extremely lonely.  Perhaps the severe wittiness covered the pain that it took to grow into myself.

Would I tell myself, knowing what I know now, that it's going to be o.k.?
Would I tell young Dani that I would find that epic, soul-filling, heart-bursting love that I thought only existed in romance novels? 
Would I tell young Dani that all the stress that I experienced, in my then job, would lead to a professional growth that would be an asset and a strength that I would carry forward? 
Would I tell young Dani that the path she dreamed of would be completely different... and better?
Would I tell young Dani that the weight-loss journey never stops?
Would I tell young Dani that she would continue to be witty, but out of a genuine happiness, and not from a place of pain? 
Would I tell young Dani that financial hardships never really stop, but she would eventually learn the value of (and be a better manager of) money?
Would I tell younger Dani that she shouldn't have held back on going to all those places she dreamed of while she had the chance to do so?
Would I tell young Dani to not hold back because of fear?
Would I tell younger Dani to take better care of her health and be more proactive in addressing her respiratory issues she had then?
Would I tell young Dani that things get so much better when she hits her thirties?
Would I tell young Dani that the confidence she lacked (hidden behind her tough and witty exterior) would actually blossom into a real, solid, confidence?

I never though that a blog would be a portal into a life I once lived. That my memories would fade as I move forward, eager to experience new things. That I would have the opportunity to look back and see my own words and thoughts... and be able to look at them with the same eyes, but fresh ones.

To answer my questions: No, I wouldn't tell young Dani anything. Young Dani had to grow and learn and experience to be where she's at today.  And maybe one day, Old Dani will look back at this blog, with old but fresh eyes, and be able to write to thirty-something Dani with words of wisdom on things current Dani can't possibly fathom now.

Getting into the spirit of Christmas.

Did you enjoy that? So beautiful.

This is shaping up to be the best Christmas ever! I am with the man that I love and we are sharing the season together.

I'm fat...can I blame my family?

"It is estimated that this generation of children will be the first generation to fail to live longer than their parents generation. Their lifestyle, eating habits and obesity puts them at greater risk
for health problems.": Medical Journal of something something something (basically I stole this off of the web but I don't know the original source...lol).

I am not at all surprised about this. For weeks, I have been slowly...but surely...loosing weight. I have also been spending a great deal of time at my bean pole skinny boyfriends place. My supportive, bad cop, healthy eating boyfriends place.

This last week, I have spent most of my time at home due to my boyfriend's wonky work schedule. And according to the scale, I am up 2-4 pounds. There is no healthy food in the house, and I've had takeaway food three days in a row.

Coincidence? Can I now officially blame my obesity on my family? Can I blame their bad influence and food choices on my weight?

Wouldn't that be nice. But no. I can lament their lack of support. But I am a big girl. I buy my own food. I make the choices of what I eat and don't eat. I know what is right and wrong...even if they don't. A wise man once said "forgive them for they know not what they do". That Jesus sure is a smart man.

So at the end of the day, to avoid being a statistic, I must make the choice to eat better and exercise more. Do I wish for more support and a better environment at home? Sure. And sadly, I think this generation of kids will younger because they are not being raised in an environment where they are made aware of other options, like we were. But still...it's nice to have an excuse. LOL.

Loose sweater.

I tried on my purple sweater today and it was baggy and loose. Yay! My butthead boyfriend was all "it stretched". Asshat. Ignore him.

That is all I have to say.

7 Quick Takes

1) It has been a while since I blogged. I have been busy lately and haven't had a chance to sit down and actually type out the millions of ideas in my head. But I did post a few today so check them out (they are posted below). I am interested in hearing feedback, particularly on the "pursing your passion" topic below.

2) I had an opportunity to hear Bishop Gary Gordon of Whitehorse speak last week and he brought up an interesting thought that I wanted to share. He suggested that while we are all connected (via Facebook, E-mail, Blackberry, other social networks), we aren't really connected with each other. That was a timely message for me as I had an incident with my friends through an email communication snafu, which was born out of a lack of connectedness and really wasn't the best means to communicate my needs.

3) That said, I still love blogging as a form of expression. I also recognize that in some ways, social media has helped me connect with people of whom I would never encounter otherwise.

4) Has anyone seen the show Boardwalk Empire on HBO? Do I ever say enough how much I LOVE Steve Buscemi? I am drawn to his works like a flame to a moth.

5) The Fall colors are particularly vibrant this year. Mark and I went for a walk near the old Griesbach military base through the beautiful trees. Vibrant reds, oranges, yellows, various shades of green all splattered like a painting. What an experience!

6) I have been fascinated with all things Canadian History lately, particularly the history of Pierre Trudeau and the history of Quebec Nationalism.

7) So Mark and I finally got our furniture in from Leon's Furniture. What a gong show! Almost every living room piece was damaged in some way! Grrrr. Once all the furniture is assembled and set up proper, it will look very nice indeed. Our first major couple purchase! Yay!

Personal Passions and living the dream: If not now, when?

One of my favorite bloggers, Carolina Girl, lamented recently on her blog about the struggle she is having to find her life passion and fears that she is missing out on finding "it". (Click here to read the specific post).

I think that unless you are living your passion out (and loving it), we can all relate to her struggle. I can certainly relate, having wasted spent the last 6 years that a job I hated, fooling myself into thinking I could tolerate it because it was a steady job that paid the bills. Or maybe you have liked your job well enough, and it provides all the things you want but you still feel that something is missing in your life.

One of the arguments about pursuing your passion is that it doesn't pay well or that there is no security offered. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I found out after six years, the "sure thing" offered no more security and I was promptly laid off. Six years of putting my desires on the back burner, and all it got me was a "thanks but no thanks".


I sort of relate pursing your passion like blowing a piece of bubble gum. There is a procedure that you have to undergo to get the perfect bubble, with considerable risk that it might explode on your face if you push the limits of what is achievable. First you have to prepare the piece to the perfect consistency, and then you have to put effort into blowing so that the bubble can expand. It requires patience and a sense of knowing when to stop.

That said, if it does explode on your face, you can always try again. If the gum looses flavor, you can always stop chewing or try again with a different piece. The risk might be great, but the reward is so amazing.

I finally did find a job, temporary and lasting one year, that I well enjoy. Do I feel passionate about this job? Probably not. But I get a year to test it out and figure if this is what I want to do. But at least it is a step in the right direction. I am also in a new relationship that is leading to a degree of permanence and stability, so my passions will likely change as I consider not just my needs, but the needs of others (spouse, children etc).

I have always wanted to be a romance novel writer and maybe I will become a writer one day, but right now, it's not at the fore front of my thoughts. I also have a number of other dreams and the ranking changes like I change. But it is important to realize that like gum, you can always change the flavor or the brand if what you are pursing is no longer your passion.

Trying to pinpoint one's passion when one is growing and changing and evolving puts limits on your dreams. It doesn't allow you to adapt or change your dreams as your life changes and you acquire new interests.

I also think that maybe living the ordinary life, doing ordinary things, is fine. It's not exciting, but there is something to be said about enjoying the day to day life. There is a certain pleasure in chewing the gum, not just blowing the gum. The opportunities will present themselves and you will know when to go after them.

That all said, it still leaves us with a burning question: If not now, when?

When do you pursue your passions? When do you take the courage and risk to blow the bubble? You can't just spend your life chewing and then wondering why you never got to see a bubble. At what point do you need to stop considering the safety in what you have, and the needs of others, to pursue your own desires?

A friend of mine recently said that she puts her husband and her kids first. Commendable and as it should be at this stage of her kids life. But not once did she mention putting her needs first, and not once did she mention herself as a priority, not once did she put importance on her own passions.

So what then? How do you balance the realities of life, like the need to pay rent and the need to eat food, with the burning desire to pursue your passion? I think what makes it harder is when you see people who pursue their passions, at great cost, and they are either happy or have made a success of pursuing their passion at all cost.

Hmmm. I have a feeling that this is the kind of topic that never ends, that you will go back to again and again as you discover different ways of viewing things and experience different stages of your life.