Yesterday has no reason to end the way it did.
I woke up in a generally good mood. I had a productive work day and finished my tasks. I went to my new weekly fitness class and left a little bit stronger (even if the legs had the shakes). My husband & I had an enjoyable dinner with great conversation.
By all accounts, my day was actually pretty good.
And then I uttered something to my husband at the worst possible time. I created hurt. It came from a place of hurt. I uttered it from a feeling of frustration. It was motivated by wanting to shift the burden & guilt to someone who was already carrying his share.
I could have very easily chosen not to be mean. I could have very easily chose to be understanding.
But the infertility struggle comes with many emotions. Sometimes the emotions are ugly and can't be hidden.
I made a promise that I wouldn't go "crazy" on this infertility journey. That whatever shall be shall be. Most importantly, I promised it wouldn't interfere with the loving relationship I have with my amazing husband.
Yesterday, it interfered. Yesterday, all the isolation and guilt and anger and frustration and sadness came out in a few sentences. The wound was swift. The wound was deep.
It was unfair of me. It was mean. It was cruel. And now I must repair the damage I caused.
I can blame the drugs I am on, certainly. I can blame my inability to just confront people with my concerns. I am not a people pleaser, but I am also not a feather ruffler. In the past, when I have said something (usually coming from the same place as this time), it's created hurt and misunderstanding.
My choices always seem to come down to either remain silent, or say something & risk misunderstanding, anger, & hurt. I haven't figured out yet how not to do that.
Lesson is that sometimes, things are simply better left unsaid.
*Update: Love means saying you are sorry. And I did. Love means forgiveness. And he did. xo*