30 December 2009

The Dani Award Nominations are IN!

The “Dani’s” Award Gala Nominees!

Welcome my pets to the first annual Dani’s! It’s the annual award blog where I bestow my whimsical wisdom on what I thought to be the best things that made me go *squee* in 2009. To hell with the Grammy’s and Emmy’s and golden globes and Oscars! Who doesn’t want a coveted Dani? Vote in the comments section and I will announce the winners next year. *note that your vote may not actually count because I’m a tyrant blogger* Without further adieu….

Best crap song of 2009 even though I liked them anyways award.
The nominations are:
Empire State of Mind feat. Jay Z and Alicia Keyes. I want to fly run to New York right now to get me some of that dream. I might not be a black hoe from the projects, but I have dreams damn it. But until then, can I hear this song one more time because the 5 times an hour just isn’t cutting it.
Meet Me Halfway- The Black Eyed Peas. Because who wants to meet at the destination point and save time, when we could just meet halfway?
Tik Tok- Ke$ha – This is clearly the whore anthem of the year. She is a complete hooch and you have to give props to a girl who likes the attentions of an older douchebag driving a trans-am.
Rain in Africa- Karl Wolff K, this guy is totally cheesy douche. He’s this decades Vanilla Ice. He oooozez manufactured cheese like no one else.

Best trashy reality tv moment that made me all giddy inside award.
The nominations are:
Kathy Griffen hosting New Years with Anderson Cooper on CNN: This was awesomeness on a whole new level. Seriously, she was funny as all shit, yelled at a person passing by on life t.v. and I think made Anderson’s tighty whiteys get all bunched up. It was classic. Youtube search it.
America’s Next Top Model has an offensive photo shoot: It was a beautiful concept in theory. Take some generic looking petite models and have them represent two blended cultures. The makeup had a bit of a white guy playing a black guy with big lips like they did in the oldie movies effect. Nothing screams sensitive like dressing up white girls in with ethnic stereotypes.
The Biggest Loser’s Bob Harper freaks out on Joelle: Bob is like yoga peaceful kabbahla loving teddy bear on a good day. But you get some lazy ass fat mo’fo that doesn’t “pull” her weight in the gym and he turns into a puritan freak show. Dude, it was hilarious. He like freaked out. All things well enjoyed while I munched on a bucket of ice cream. Good thing he wasn’t in my house.
Jersey boys generic looking Italian guy smacks the crap out of Jersy generic looking hooch girl. I have no idea what this show is or why they show it, but some guy smacked a girl in the face. She probably deserved it. (oh come on now…let’s not pretend that some girls don’t deserve a good wallop old school style).
RuPaul’s Drag Race: Read the title folks…do I really need to say more? This was my secret indulgence. It was a hilarious runway type show with drag queens competing for...um…I don’t know. Perhaps a romp in the sack? A free bottle of Neet? It was awesome and bitchy and I witnessed duct tape being used in ways I didn’t think existed. For that reason alone, this show made my list.

Best movie that Dani finally got around to watching because she’s cheap and won’t pay full price to sit in a theater award.
The nominees are:

The Hangover This show totally made my Christmas. So. Funny. Too-doo-loo and F*** you!

Best DILF of 2009. *DILF = Dad I’d like to F****!
The nominees are:

Jon Hamm from Mad Men….old school sexy
Hugh Laurie from House…british sexy
Colin Firth from pretty much any movie that Dani likes…british serious actor sexy
Robert Patrick from The Unit…rugged sexy
Daniel Day Lewis from Nine…artisitic sexy…
JJ’s dad on American Dreams (perpetual nominee selection)…the vintage sexy.

Sexiest Athlete that Dani has a passing interest in and yah, you’d do him too award.
The nominees are:
Dale Earnhardt Jr from Nascar (#88)…redneck sexy
Sheldon Souray from Hockey (The Edmonton Oilers)…smoking out of your league hot sexy.
David Wright from Baseball (The Mets)…earnest sexy
Adam VanKouverden from Rowing (Team Canada)…where the hell was this guy all my life sexy.

Worst Fashion Mistake of 2009 according to Dani’s taste award
The nominees are:
Snuggies ( I love them but I can see why others don’t)
Skinny boy jeans (No guy looks good in these)
Ed Hardy/Christian whatshisfacey shirts. (lame)
Ballet shoes as the only option when trying to buy black dress shoes. Or specifically, the ones that have the top go to close so that her toes are exposed.
Lady Gaga

Sexiest Vampire based on Dani’s weird 2009 paranormal obsession award.
The nominees are:
Eric from True Blood – I would actually want to turn vamp with him.
Bill from True Blood – Southern sexy
Edward from Twilight – Young sexy
Damon from Vampire Diaries – Dangerous sexy

How Dani knew she was a “real Catholic” award
The nominees are:
My baptism
When I had to recite the creed outside of Mass and realized I didn’t know all the words/proper order
When my mind drifts to other topics during the sermon
When I withheld the juicy stuff from confession because I didn’t want the priest to know and judge
When I passed judgement on a fellow parishioner and gossiped about it with my close Catholic friends in the spirit of one upmanship
When I secretly wished for the cute seminarian to avoid the priesthood and marry me instead after ruthlessly flirting with him while serving “apple” juice at a function that I participated in to make me look good and pious. Just call me Eve.

Get your votes in folks!