30 December 2009

The Dani Award Nominations are IN!

The “Dani’s” Award Gala Nominees!

Welcome my pets to the first annual Dani’s! It’s the annual award blog where I bestow my whimsical wisdom on what I thought to be the best things that made me go *squee* in 2009. To hell with the Grammy’s and Emmy’s and golden globes and Oscars! Who doesn’t want a coveted Dani? Vote in the comments section and I will announce the winners next year. *note that your vote may not actually count because I’m a tyrant blogger* Without further adieu….

Best crap song of 2009 even though I liked them anyways award.
The nominations are:
Empire State of Mind feat. Jay Z and Alicia Keyes. I want to fly run to New York right now to get me some of that dream. I might not be a black hoe from the projects, but I have dreams damn it. But until then, can I hear this song one more time because the 5 times an hour just isn’t cutting it.
Meet Me Halfway- The Black Eyed Peas. Because who wants to meet at the destination point and save time, when we could just meet halfway?
Tik Tok- Ke$ha – This is clearly the whore anthem of the year. She is a complete hooch and you have to give props to a girl who likes the attentions of an older douchebag driving a trans-am.
Rain in Africa- Karl Wolff K, this guy is totally cheesy douche. He’s this decades Vanilla Ice. He oooozez manufactured cheese like no one else.

Best trashy reality tv moment that made me all giddy inside award.
The nominations are:
Kathy Griffen hosting New Years with Anderson Cooper on CNN: This was awesomeness on a whole new level. Seriously, she was funny as all shit, yelled at a person passing by on life t.v. and I think made Anderson’s tighty whiteys get all bunched up. It was classic. Youtube search it.
America’s Next Top Model has an offensive photo shoot: It was a beautiful concept in theory. Take some generic looking petite models and have them represent two blended cultures. The makeup had a bit of a white guy playing a black guy with big lips like they did in the oldie movies effect. Nothing screams sensitive like dressing up white girls in with ethnic stereotypes.
The Biggest Loser’s Bob Harper freaks out on Joelle: Bob is like yoga peaceful kabbahla loving teddy bear on a good day. But you get some lazy ass fat mo’fo that doesn’t “pull” her weight in the gym and he turns into a puritan freak show. Dude, it was hilarious. He like freaked out. All things well enjoyed while I munched on a bucket of ice cream. Good thing he wasn’t in my house.
Jersey boys generic looking Italian guy smacks the crap out of Jersy generic looking hooch girl. I have no idea what this show is or why they show it, but some guy smacked a girl in the face. She probably deserved it. (oh come on now…let’s not pretend that some girls don’t deserve a good wallop old school style).
RuPaul’s Drag Race: Read the title folks…do I really need to say more? This was my secret indulgence. It was a hilarious runway type show with drag queens competing for...um…I don’t know. Perhaps a romp in the sack? A free bottle of Neet? It was awesome and bitchy and I witnessed duct tape being used in ways I didn’t think existed. For that reason alone, this show made my list.

Best movie that Dani finally got around to watching because she’s cheap and won’t pay full price to sit in a theater award.
The nominees are:

The Hangover This show totally made my Christmas. So. Funny. Too-doo-loo and F*** you!

Best DILF of 2009. *DILF = Dad I’d like to F****!
The nominees are:

Jon Hamm from Mad Men….old school sexy
Hugh Laurie from House…british sexy
Colin Firth from pretty much any movie that Dani likes…british serious actor sexy
Robert Patrick from The Unit…rugged sexy
Daniel Day Lewis from Nine…artisitic sexy…
JJ’s dad on American Dreams (perpetual nominee selection)…the vintage sexy.

Sexiest Athlete that Dani has a passing interest in and yah, you’d do him too award.
The nominees are:
Dale Earnhardt Jr from Nascar (#88)…redneck sexy
Sheldon Souray from Hockey (The Edmonton Oilers)…smoking out of your league hot sexy.
David Wright from Baseball (The Mets)…earnest sexy
Adam VanKouverden from Rowing (Team Canada)…where the hell was this guy all my life sexy.

Worst Fashion Mistake of 2009 according to Dani’s taste award
The nominees are:
Snuggies ( I love them but I can see why others don’t)
Skinny boy jeans (No guy looks good in these)
Ed Hardy/Christian whatshisfacey shirts. (lame)
Ballet shoes as the only option when trying to buy black dress shoes. Or specifically, the ones that have the top go to close so that her toes are exposed.
Lady Gaga

Sexiest Vampire based on Dani’s weird 2009 paranormal obsession award.
The nominees are:
Eric from True Blood – I would actually want to turn vamp with him.
Bill from True Blood – Southern sexy
Edward from Twilight – Young sexy
Damon from Vampire Diaries – Dangerous sexy

How Dani knew she was a “real Catholic” award
The nominees are:
My baptism
When I had to recite the creed outside of Mass and realized I didn’t know all the words/proper order
When my mind drifts to other topics during the sermon
When I withheld the juicy stuff from confession because I didn’t want the priest to know and judge
When I passed judgement on a fellow parishioner and gossiped about it with my close Catholic friends in the spirit of one upmanship
When I secretly wished for the cute seminarian to avoid the priesthood and marry me instead after ruthlessly flirting with him while serving “apple” juice at a function that I participated in to make me look good and pious. Just call me Eve.

Get your votes in folks!


Cori said...

a) I don't know any of those songs.
b) I don't watch reality tv.
c) Didn't see it.
d) Jon Hamm.
e) I don't understand this list. It doesn't have Tom Brady on it.
f) Yeah, I gotta go with skinny jeans.
g) I'll have to say Eric, but secretly I'm voting for Godric.
h) The last one.

Joanna said...

I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed, but....

1. I've never heard any of these songs.

2. I've never seen any of these shows. Not even Biggest Loser. Seriously. (I've seen commercials... so I know who Bob and Gillian are, but that's it.)

3. The Hangover is definitely a good'un.... and they're making a sequel for 2011. (By the way, what are the other nominees for this category...?)

4. Robert Patrick, all the way. (But JJ's dad will always be the original for who this award is named.)

5. Hmmmm... I guess David Wright, even though he can't save his team from mediocrity. Oooooh...

6. Skinny jeans suck.

7. I've never seen any of these shows/vampires.

8. Witholding the juicy stuff from confession. (All good Catholics know that you don't confess everything to the priest who knows you well and will see you again. What you do is attend someone else's church where no one knows you, and THEN you reveal the juicy stuff.)


Steve said...

Where do I even begin?

On your best crap song of 2009 -- I'm not sure what my vote is supposed to be: Am I expected to say that some bad song is really good; or, am I to nominate the absolute worst song, the creme de la creme of crap, if you will.

Since I've got to do something with this, I will go ahead and cast my vote for the latter, and independently nominate outside of your choices for best crap song, “Get My Swag On” - Soulja Boy Tell'Em. Please note if you go to watch the video, that this character has enough money for a sweet mansion and money to just throw around absurdly (a prerequisite to any rap video) but somehow, all he can afford is one of those rinky-dink travel toothbrushes.

As for the reality tv moment nominations, I'm going to respectfully abstain from voting. Also, I will continue to abstain from watching reality television in the hopes that eventually, it will respectfully go away.

Furthermore, I'm sorry that I don't have a vote for the Best DILF, but I might suggest that the Best DILF could be found somewhere away from the television screen. He might actually be out there in the real world. (I'm just saying, you could nominate people you run into in the grocery store, the library, or me... c'mon... it would an honour just to be nominated... I would even like to thank all those little people, my stylist, etc.)

On your sexiest athletes, I cast my vote for David Wright. Let's Go Mets. The Mets -- a team that is bigger than America's Team (the damned name given to the Atlanta Braves during the 90's) -- we're North America's team. Now with Canadian athlete Jason Bay.

On worst fashion mistake of 2009, I think skinny boy jeans are definitely up there (though I would argue that this fashion mistake is more accurately nailed to the decade than to just this year, as young men have been making this mistake for several years now). I think the real fashion faux pas of the year has been, okay... who am I kidding? I don't know the first thing about when fashion really catches on. However, we can continue to hate on skinny boy jeans, as they were simply awful.

My vote for sexiest vampire is none of the above. Quite simply, I remember a time, years ago, when vampires were frightening, powerful, loathsome undead creatures who preyed upon the living and made deliciously unwholesome horror villians. This year’s vampires were the antithesis of the mighty and awesome vampires of years gone by, and therefore, could only receive my vote for douchiest vampire of the year; which, by the way, would go to Edward from Twilight. (I make this vote without having actually seen him in his movies, but only by having attempted serious discourse with his fans.)

The vote for how Dani knew she was a "real Catholic"... hmm... all of your choices here were remarkably witty and poignant as hell. However, I believe the true mark of assumption of Catholicism is when you are attending a non-Catholic service and you can't help but think of it as a 'pretend church' or a 'mock mass'. This would be the ultimate in secret Catholic judgement-passing. Admit it, you know you've done it.

That's all I have.

Karen said...

Well I just wanted to say that I actually really like Empire State of Mind but I hate Tik Tok.

Anonymous said...

I had to think for like three days before casting my vote but I'm finally ready...

1) It has to be "Meet Me Halfway" because it makes no sense and sounds like it was made in 1988. Also "I might not be a black hoe from the projects, but I have dreams damn it" made me piddle a little

2) As much as I love Kath and Coop, I have to vote for Bob Harper's freak-out because the look on that woman's face was the funniest mix of shock and aggravation and lust and shame I've ever seen. Also, I want to tape it and carry it on a key chain whenever annoying people cross my path.

How am I only up to #3... 3) I guess "The Hangover" as I have no other choices... I actually haven't seen it myself.

4) This one is hard (all puns intended). Um, I finally saw "Nine" and Dani can we just hold hands a moment... When DDL gets out of bed with Penelope Cruz, I literally dropped my popcorn, soda, Junior Mints, everything! Who knew he still had it! Okay, I guess he's my pick...

5) I'm gonna have to go with Adam VanWhatyousaid because his body is off the hook and I'm shallow...

6) ED HARDY! How are these clothes still selling when 100% of people think they look positively disgusting...

7) Whichever one is Alexander Youknowwho. I can't keep up...

8) All of the above

Dani said...

Gathering many votes! It's a tight race and some clear winners are starting to emerge (I'm talking to you skinny boy jeans). Tune in a few days to find out the winners!

Theresa said...

I am finally submitting my nominations after much careful thought...

Best Crappiest Song... I have heard none of those, you are merely helping me to realise just how old and unhip I am (that's probably not a cool word anymore... as no doubt *cool* will also be outdated *sigh*). My nomination therefore has to go to that song I heard on CMT over Christmas... sang as a funny crappy song by some older guy (probably my age, git!) to the tune of This Kiss by Faith Hill. I loved it so much despite it totally schmoozing cheesy crappy fun puns. :D

Best trashy reality TV moment... I've gotta go with Biggest Loser here, was hilarious :D I also liked the bit when 2 of the younger girls were up against each other for elimination 1 week and they'd been friends. The first remained true to the friendship and it seemed like it was just gonna be another of those mutual ass-kissing moments that generally fill reality shows blandness. BUT. The 2nd girl revealed herself to be a backstabbing bitch (much to my shock, amusement and delight!) and the camera flitted back momentarily to the 1st girlie who's jaw was so slack u'd think she'd been literally kicked in the face instead of just verbally heehee :P Classic moments *ahhh contented sigh*

Best Movie... Can't remember which 1's I saw but I did love Up seen in the latter part of the year. What can I say, I'm just a big kid :P

Best DILF... Well just for sympathies sakes I'm going to say Steve. I mean come on, if the poor guy begs what can ya do?!! Movie DILF, not sure on that 1, you see the trouble is we learn too much about them in the tabloids and on tv for them to keep their alluring mystery and sex appeal. Lets go back to the days when we knew nothing, they said nothing and they were HOT! :D But I do have to say as a patriotic Brit your choice of Hugh Laurie for Brit Sexy makes me wanna puke you sick puppy Dani! :P

Sexiest Athlete... I'm with u on this 1 girl! Dale n Sheldon are definitely doable! :D Although take a look at this link and tell me you don't recognise Sheldon from an old 70's porn I'm sure you musta seen ;) http://seriesminatoires.com/show_image.php?id=70

Worst Fashion Misake... You know my thoughts on Snuggies, anything that fastens at the back CAN NEVER be a good thing (hospital ass showing gowns, straight jackets, that gorgeous lil black dress you wanna buy but it'll mean you have to pick up the leftover old n ugly drunk in the bar at the end of the night just so you can take it off when you get home because your girlfriend already picked up a hottie and dumped u!) But I am giving an honorable mention to those skinny boy jeans, the ones that have the pockets half way down the legs so that the guys wearing them look like they've got no ass! Who the hell finds a no-assed man/boy/child/idiot sexy?!! So sad, so ugly!

Sexiest Vampire... Gotta go with Steve on this 1, I did actually prefer it when vampires were baddies, I like em mean what can I say ;)

How Dani knew she was a real Catholic... When she asked a priest if it would be acceptable for her to have a pre-confessional confession before my stagette hahaa! I almost pee'd myself laughing and the other girl we were with (Nita) nearly fainted from shock :D Tooooo funny! :D But also... yes to all of your suggestions and the 1 suggested on your comments too haha!

Love ya girl, you crack me up!

sarah said...

oh boy, did this post have me CRACKING. UP.

and here are my votes:

1. empire state of mind. seriously, somebody shoot whoever said it was ok to play that 674547488 a day on every station.

2. i missed out on a lot of my reality tv due to lack of a functioning tv. boo, hiss.

3. dude, i LOVE the hangover!

4. hugh laurie... yum-o

5. dale jr. obvi.

6. skinny boy jeans. gag.

7. edward. no explanation necessary. again, obvi.

8. bahahahaha this category is too funny to vote on!

ohhh and speaking of awards... you may wanna scooch on over to my blog 'cause there's a lil somethin' somethin' there for ya ;)

have a great week!