22 January 2010

Dating Out of Type- is it right to be judged for being judgmental?

So just as an update, I've decided to spend the next week talking about the complexities of the dating world. If you didn't get a chance, go post a reply. Yesterday, I wrote about the theme of missed opportunities and good intentions. Today I wanted to discuss the pitfalls of dating out of time.

We all do it. We all do that awful thing of going out with someone we have ZERO attraction or we know we have ZERO compatibility with. And we almost certainly regret it in the worst fashion. The question remains as to why do we torture our selves this way?

I have a friend, who I will call Angela. Angela has admitted that in her desperate days, she dated a ginger haired fellow who had stubby legs and no ankles who was slightly chubby and on hard times. Of course it was awful and akward for her to be with someone she had ZERO attraction.

Myself, I date a guy of a different race and religion who I was madly attracted to but we had ZERO compatability. The sex was hot, I won't lie. But the relationship was doomed to fail because we didn't connect on another level.

I think the problem lies in that we are afraid of being judged for being judgemental. Like in Angela's case, it wasn't a matter of just saying not. It was "i shouldn't say no because he is..." as if what he is was some kind of disease. It wasn't. It's just he wasn't Angela's cup of tea.

Or for myself, I did not want to be labelled a racist because he was an Arab Muslim. Many people are ok with those fundamental differences. I discovered that I was not.

I think what we have to do is stop feeling guilty for the choices we make and the people we like. No one thinks less of the rich CEO with the 20 years younger wife, or the hockey player with the blonde plastic barbie dolls. So why then should we feel that we need to gain anyones acceptance over our tastes?

I propose that we go forward and just be honest with who we are...and what we like.


Reese said...

My problem wasn't so much with dating people that I wasn't attracted to. It was rather that I was attracted to them, but felt like I had to compromise by accepting traits or situations that, while I found them undesirable, I was afraid people would judge me for not dating the guy because of.

Some notable examples are: dressing like a wigger or a skater, multiple tattoos or weird piercings, severe clinical depression or bipolar disorder, obnoxious parents/siblings/friends, a very large build, a lazy eye, a porn addiction, a wacky/strict religion, having close female friends, being bffs with exes, deviant sexual behavior, disliking nature/the countryside/animals, being a sports nut, etc., etc., etc.

Through much trial and error, I learned that the things which give you pause in even the shiny-new phase are only going to grate on you more once the sparkles start to wear off. If you don't like it, you don't like it. If someone rags on you for your reasons, pass the guy's number on to them.

Dani said...

I totally 100% agree. And I find that if it's a long standing thing that bugs you, the shine wears off even quicker.

Rebecca on The Homefront said...

Actually, I *do* think less of people who take trophy wives. I'm sure there's the odd CEO or hockey player who actually found their soul mate in a 20-years-younger, lithe, blonde woman, but ten to one it's all about the sex and not the brain. *shrug* What I think doesn't matter, anyway, so. LOL. Love your thoughts on dating, Dani, I've seen my still-single friend struggle with these exact situations. It's hard.

Dani said...

Oh, Rebecca...i agree. I totally despise that type of people. But it is the reality we face today.

Gone are the days where you met and dated and married people because you like them and wanted to have kids.

Now it seems like it's "how can this person fit into your lifestyle". If that is to be the case that what are my chances?

Joanna said...

I've long maintained that we are the type of women that men want to bring home to their parents and marry..... but we're not the type of women men necessarily want to date and take to hang out with their Chachi friends.


Carolina Girl said...

This is great, because I have recently started up a "flirtation" if you will with a guy who is 9 years younger than me. We seem to be really right for each other, but I'm freaking out about the age differetnce. He doesn't seem to care, but I worry about what his family will think, his friends, my friends, etc.

Sigh. Maybe I should just stop worrying?? :)

Dani said...

I think CG that what really needs to happen is to look at if that person fits your criteria, needs etc. If he does, then the age barrier won't bother you. But if he doesn't fit all of your needs, then it will. YNWIM.

Because if you aren't happy with him, then all of the things that are "flag" issues will bother you even more.