17 December 2012

Friday's Top Five (Late): Least Favourite Christmas Carols

Hello faithful readers of five (possibly six now). Today is not Friday, but I was kinda busy so I am posting this on a Monday. Meh.

A couple of Friday's back, I posted my Top Five Christmas Songs that I love. It was hard making that list, because quite frankly, I could have included at least twenty songs (some that I forgot about that would probably make that list, like U2's Christmas, Baby Please Come Home).

If I am completely truthful though, on the whole, there are waaaaay more Christmas carols that just annoy the piss out of me. I didn't realize just how many songs annoy me until some of the radio stations in Edmonton started playing 24 hour Christmas music. There is some seriously awful shite that has come out.  Having to choose just five? 

Like-but-don't-like-but-like Honourable Mention: The Pogues, Fairy Tale of New York

I actually like this song. I do. I think it is great. However, it's just...how do we say this... not Christmas. I mean it's fun and all. And possibly a great bar song with your mates, drinking over a hot toddy. But it's not one I would necessarily have playing in the background at pretty much any family event. So it's an honourable mention on the hate list (even thought I like it). Got it? OK then.

And now the real list!

5) Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer - Randy Brooks

This stupid song was a gag song written 30 years ago. It keeps coming back, year after year. The joke is clearly on us. What did your grandma do to you Randy? Did she hit you with a frying pan or something? If not, she should after this horrid song.

4) I Wanna Hippopotamus for Christmas - Gayla Peevey

General rule for a sucky Christmas carol: anything sung by kids for kids will be bad. Horribly bad. It will sound like some phony-contrived piece of garbage. This song is no exception. It's been annoying people for generations. Think about it for a second. Do you really want a hippo for Christmas you snot-nosed kid? Where are you going to store it exactly? Will you shovel the pooh when it takes a dump? No. It will be poor mom and dad stuck with that task.

But these questions are irrelevant, because the hippo will rip your family apart. They aren't that cute, and they are the most vicious beasts on earth. Better stick with the goldfish there Gayla.

3) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - The Jackson 5

This song is the reason why parents everywhere decided to Irish-up their egg nog. Because it sucks. It is an awful song to begin with. Want a recipe for a great Christmas tune? Let's sing about how mommy is an adulterous hooch in front of her children.

Then, because the premise of the song isn't awful enough, let's have the Jackson Five sing the tune. How I can even listen to the song with all the blood spilling out of my ear amazes me. If you want to know why Michael Jackson turned into a pedo-freak, this song might garner some clues. Just sayin'.

2) Any Christmas carol sung by the Beatles

How does the greatest band on earth manage to suck so horribly much when it comes to Christmas Carols? Seriously? This is a lesson for all great bands out there: if your manager says "let's make a Christmas album" then fire him.

1.5) Anything sung by cats and/or dogs

I couldn't have a list without including this. Back in the late 80's/early 90's, some ass-clown decided it would be a stellar idea to make an album of cats meowing and dogs barking to timeless Christmas classics. The results are equal parts horrific and annoying. This is why Bob Barker begs us to have our pets spayed and neutered.

1) Last Christmas - by anybody really, but Wham specifically

I loathe this song (as does Joanne). I hate it with every fiber of my being. It's bad enough that it is sung at all by Wham. For a while, I thought it would just make an occasional radio appearance and move on. I was content with this song being a bad 80's memory.

But then that damn TV show Glee aired it on a Christmas special a few years back. Next thing you know, other artists jumped on board! The song started biblically begatting itself. "But it's a different version, sung by a different artist, so it must be OK to play it five times an hour" said the radio stations.


The song is beyond stupid. Just because you change a word with Christmas, does not a Christmas song make. "Last Christmas I gave you my heart..." That is the only time the word Christmas is mentioned in the entire song.  Why not just play the song all year long to go with the seasons?

"Last St. Patrick's Day, I gave you my heart..."   "Last Kwanzaa, I gave you my heart..."  "Last National Talk Like A Pirate Day, I gave you my heart....".

Utter and complete bullshit is this song.

So faithful readers of five, what are on your loathe lists? Leave some comments! Then head on over to Joanne's Blog to see her Top Five Least Favourite Christmas Songs!


Joanna said...

Oh, Dani, how you make me laugh. Out loud, no less.

Seriously, your angry tirades really do bring out your witty sense of humour in all your brilliantly written blog posts. Well done, my friend, well done.

As an aside, is this a bad time for me to mention that I actually really like the hippo song? Like, a lot? LOL Please don't hate me for this.....

Nicole Ufland said...

Bravo!! I belly laughed while reading your bursts of disgust all through this blog post.
I completely concur on all accounts, absolutely hate Grandma got run over by a reindeer and that Wham debauchery! I want to say that Feliz Navidad also makes me cringe each year....mostly because I have always disliked that song so the ex used to sing it loud and repeatedly for the complete annoyance factor so now I just no longer have any tolerance for it. And for some reason Mariah Carey singing all I want for Christmas is you annoys me to no end.
All that aside I wish you and yours a very joyous and Blessed Christmas with much love and adoration xx