Deleting my former life: Where did my inner Anne Shirley go?

Quote: My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes. That's a sentence I read once and I say over to comfort myself in these trying times. ~Anne Shirley

Sometimes in life, things happen to make you examine how you have lived your life so far. And this week, the big life change happened. I got laid off from my job. And while not entirely unexpected, nor entirely unwanted (I was looking for a new job anyways), it's still a major change in one's life. Yesterday I was doing the happy dance of joy to be finally DONE with that hellhole.

But today, I was considerably more subdued. As I muddle through all the things I need to take care of in regards to my severance package, I started thinking about the what now. And part of that reflection was that this is emerging to be one of those major turning points in my life.

I'm not just starting a new chapter. I have decided that it is time I start a new book.

Up until now, I have coasted through life with the good ship procrastination. Doing all that I needed to do to get by (and buy). Think about my future? Nahhh, I'll deal with that later. Get my license to drive? Nahh, I'm getting by just fine. Exercise and get back into shape? Naahhh, I'll get to it tomorrow. Actively find a husband? Nahhh, if it's meant to be he will come to me. Get out of my shit hole job and find a great job? Nahhh, I'll slug it through until something better comes along. And on. And on. And on.

It's amazing how one day you can look back and realize that somewhere along the way, I stopped caring about the most important person in my life. Myself.

And that is ironic that I do that to me, because I am a naturally caring person. I care about my friends. I care deeply about my online American friends. I care about other peoples pets to the point that I give up my life to watch them when their owner goes on holiday. I cared about our clients (more so than my boss). I care about the quality of my work, at the expense of my health. I care about my family. I care about pretty much everything you can imagine...except myself.

What is most sad that when I was in high school, and I had these great dreams for myself, I used to admire the wisdom of the character Anne from Anne of Green Gables. She never once stopped dreaming of something better for herself, all the while caring about others. In fact, Louise and I used to call ourselves Anne and Diana, and I was Anne. Clearly, not only did I believe in myself, someone else believed in me. And somewhere along the way, I lost my inner Anne.

Have you had any unfulfilled dreams Anne? ~ Gilbert Blythe Of course. Everybody has. It wouldn't do for us to have all our dreams fulfilled. We could be as good as dead if we have nothing left to dream about. ~Anne Shirley

Well I've decided to close that book and start new. I might have been deleted at work, but I think it's up to me to delete the life I have lived and replace it with the life I was meant to live. It's not what the world for holds for you, it's what you bring to the world that counts~Anne Shirley

I am excited and scared of this new book, but the only way I can move is forward.

Catholic Guilt and Dealing With A Dilemma

So every once in a while, I stumble upon a crossroads in my life in which I am faced with a great moral dilemma. Most of the time, I would carefully and painfully consider other people's thoughts & needs above my own while meagerly attempting to put my needs at the front. And more often than not I would buckle & cave in to the needs of others. As the picture above states..."I have compromised almost every major decision in my life because of other people". I can promise you that I strive for the "this one's for ME" part. I truly do. But it's never that easy. I don't want to be "that person" who does "that thing". And the few times I truly did put myself first in the most selfish way possible, It was way more trouble then it was worth.

Then I got baptised into the Catholic Faith. And I thought I was plagued with guilt before?!?

There is nothing and I repeat NOTHING that can get my panties in a bunch more than Catholic Guilt. Catholic Guilt is something entirely different then regular old guilt, or even other religious guilt. This guilt slices at the raw nerve. And I don't know if I should use the word guilt so much as I should use the words "sin association disorder".

I have a serious case of SAD going on because of a particular issue where I have to weigh out the unreasonable wants of others with my own needs but I am in a precarious situation where my options are few and my stress is high.

Just to be clear, there is nothing in our faith that says that I have to feel guilty. However, it's a natural byproduct I suppose of trying to live a God centered life. Not a "beat your head down with religious" life. But just a simple "obey the commandments and treat others well" life. The need to be closer to God and to live a better life will often put me at odds with the desire to have " this one is for me" moments.

On the other hand, how can I truly be a better person if I am always putting myself last? The strive for balance between the wants of others and the needs of myself shouldn't mean that I always put others wants before my own needs. I'm sure that God doesn't truly want me to be digging from the trenches, fostering deep resentment of others because I "love they neighbour". I don't recall reading "love thy neighbour at the expense of yourself" written anywhere in the BIble.

Oh oh. I just had an epiphany moment while I was typing. I just realized something.....If I live a life where I either put my life first or the lives of others first, where and when and how does God fit in? I just realized that living my life at either extreme means that I'm not living the best life I can, and if I don't do that, then I'll never have "this one's for me" moments.

It's like trying to stuff a VW Beetle with people. Stuff too many and you don't have room for one more. Close the door and lock the windows, and no one can get in and you sit there all alone.

So. Am I any closer to solving my dilemma and finding a state of equilibrium? Nope.

Damn