Then I got baptised into the Catholic Faith. And I thought I was plagued with guilt before?!?
There is nothing and I repeat NOTHING that can get my panties in a bunch more than Catholic Guilt. Catholic Guilt is something entirely different then regular old guilt, or even other religious guilt. This guilt slices at the raw nerve. And I don't know if I should use the word guilt so much as I should use the words "sin association disorder".
I have a serious case of SAD going on because of a particular issue where I have to weigh out the unreasonable wants of others with my own needs but I am in a precarious situation where my options are few and my stress is high.
Just to be clear, there is nothing in our faith that says that I have to feel guilty. However, it's a natural byproduct I suppose of trying to live a God centered life. Not a "beat your head down with religious" life. But just a simple "obey the commandments and treat others well" life. The need to be closer to God and to live a better life will often put me at odds with the desire to have " this one is for me" moments.
On the other hand, how can I truly be a better person if I am always putting myself last? The strive for balance between the wants of others and the needs of myself shouldn't mean that I always put others wants before my own needs. I'm sure that God doesn't truly want me to be digging from the trenches, fostering deep resentment of others because I "love they neighbour". I don't recall reading "love thy neighbour at the expense of yourself" written anywhere in the BIble.
Oh oh. I just had an epiphany moment while I was typing. I just realized something.....If I live a life where I either put my life first or the lives of others first, where and when and how does God fit in? I just realized that living my life at either extreme means that I'm not living the best life I can, and if I don't do that, then I'll never have "this one's for me" moments.
It's like trying to stuff a VW Beetle with people. Stuff too many and you don't have room for one more. Close the door and lock the windows, and no one can get in and you sit there all alone.
So. Am I any closer to solving my dilemma and finding a state of equilibrium? Nope.