Deleting my former life: Where did my inner Anne Shirley go?

Quote: My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes. That's a sentence I read once and I say over to comfort myself in these trying times. ~Anne Shirley

Sometimes in life, things happen to make you examine how you have lived your life so far. And this week, the big life change happened. I got laid off from my job. And while not entirely unexpected, nor entirely unwanted (I was looking for a new job anyways), it's still a major change in one's life. Yesterday I was doing the happy dance of joy to be finally DONE with that hellhole.

But today, I was considerably more subdued. As I muddle through all the things I need to take care of in regards to my severance package, I started thinking about the what now. And part of that reflection was that this is emerging to be one of those major turning points in my life.

I'm not just starting a new chapter. I have decided that it is time I start a new book.

Up until now, I have coasted through life with the good ship procrastination. Doing all that I needed to do to get by (and buy). Think about my future? Nahhh, I'll deal with that later. Get my license to drive? Nahh, I'm getting by just fine. Exercise and get back into shape? Naahhh, I'll get to it tomorrow. Actively find a husband? Nahhh, if it's meant to be he will come to me. Get out of my shit hole job and find a great job? Nahhh, I'll slug it through until something better comes along. And on. And on. And on.

It's amazing how one day you can look back and realize that somewhere along the way, I stopped caring about the most important person in my life. Myself.

And that is ironic that I do that to me, because I am a naturally caring person. I care about my friends. I care deeply about my online American friends. I care about other peoples pets to the point that I give up my life to watch them when their owner goes on holiday. I cared about our clients (more so than my boss). I care about the quality of my work, at the expense of my health. I care about my family. I care about pretty much everything you can imagine...except myself.

What is most sad that when I was in high school, and I had these great dreams for myself, I used to admire the wisdom of the character Anne from Anne of Green Gables. She never once stopped dreaming of something better for herself, all the while caring about others. In fact, Louise and I used to call ourselves Anne and Diana, and I was Anne. Clearly, not only did I believe in myself, someone else believed in me. And somewhere along the way, I lost my inner Anne.

Have you had any unfulfilled dreams Anne? ~ Gilbert Blythe Of course. Everybody has. It wouldn't do for us to have all our dreams fulfilled. We could be as good as dead if we have nothing left to dream about. ~Anne Shirley

Well I've decided to close that book and start new. I might have been deleted at work, but I think it's up to me to delete the life I have lived and replace it with the life I was meant to live. It's not what the world for holds for you, it's what you bring to the world that counts~Anne Shirley

I am excited and scared of this new book, but the only way I can move is forward.