I'm fat...can I blame my family?

"It is estimated that this generation of children will be the first generation to fail to live longer than their parents generation. Their lifestyle, eating habits and obesity puts them at greater risk
for health problems.": Medical Journal of something something something (basically I stole this off of the web but I don't know the original source...lol).

I am not at all surprised about this. For weeks, I have been slowly...but surely...loosing weight. I have also been spending a great deal of time at my bean pole skinny boyfriends place. My supportive, bad cop, healthy eating boyfriends place.

This last week, I have spent most of my time at home due to my boyfriend's wonky work schedule. And according to the scale, I am up 2-4 pounds. There is no healthy food in the house, and I've had takeaway food three days in a row.

Coincidence? Can I now officially blame my obesity on my family? Can I blame their bad influence and food choices on my weight?

Wouldn't that be nice. But no. I can lament their lack of support. But I am a big girl. I buy my own food. I make the choices of what I eat and don't eat. I know what is right and wrong...even if they don't. A wise man once said "forgive them for they know not what they do". That Jesus sure is a smart man.

So at the end of the day, to avoid being a statistic, I must make the choice to eat better and exercise more. Do I wish for more support and a better environment at home? Sure. And sadly, I think this generation of kids will younger because they are not being raised in an environment where they are made aware of other options, like we were. But still...it's nice to have an excuse. LOL.

Loose sweater.

I tried on my purple sweater today and it was baggy and loose. Yay! My butthead boyfriend was all "it stretched". Asshat. Ignore him.

That is all I have to say.

7 Quick Takes

1) It has been a while since I blogged. I have been busy lately and haven't had a chance to sit down and actually type out the millions of ideas in my head. But I did post a few today so check them out (they are posted below). I am interested in hearing feedback, particularly on the "pursing your passion" topic below.

2) I had an opportunity to hear Bishop Gary Gordon of Whitehorse speak last week and he brought up an interesting thought that I wanted to share. He suggested that while we are all connected (via Facebook, E-mail, Blackberry, other social networks), we aren't really connected with each other. That was a timely message for me as I had an incident with my friends through an email communication snafu, which was born out of a lack of connectedness and really wasn't the best means to communicate my needs.

3) That said, I still love blogging as a form of expression. I also recognize that in some ways, social media has helped me connect with people of whom I would never encounter otherwise.

4) Has anyone seen the show Boardwalk Empire on HBO? Do I ever say enough how much I LOVE Steve Buscemi? I am drawn to his works like a flame to a moth.

5) The Fall colors are particularly vibrant this year. Mark and I went for a walk near the old Griesbach military base through the beautiful trees. Vibrant reds, oranges, yellows, various shades of green all splattered like a painting. What an experience!

6) I have been fascinated with all things Canadian History lately, particularly the history of Pierre Trudeau and the history of Quebec Nationalism.

7) So Mark and I finally got our furniture in from Leon's Furniture. What a gong show! Almost every living room piece was damaged in some way! Grrrr. Once all the furniture is assembled and set up proper, it will look very nice indeed. Our first major couple purchase! Yay!

Personal Passions and living the dream: If not now, when?

One of my favorite bloggers, Carolina Girl, lamented recently on her blog about the struggle she is having to find her life passion and fears that she is missing out on finding "it". (Click here to read the specific post).

I think that unless you are living your passion out (and loving it), we can all relate to her struggle. I can certainly relate, having wasted spent the last 6 years that a job I hated, fooling myself into thinking I could tolerate it because it was a steady job that paid the bills. Or maybe you have liked your job well enough, and it provides all the things you want but you still feel that something is missing in your life.

One of the arguments about pursuing your passion is that it doesn't pay well or that there is no security offered. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I found out after six years, the "sure thing" offered no more security and I was promptly laid off. Six years of putting my desires on the back burner, and all it got me was a "thanks but no thanks".


I sort of relate pursing your passion like blowing a piece of bubble gum. There is a procedure that you have to undergo to get the perfect bubble, with considerable risk that it might explode on your face if you push the limits of what is achievable. First you have to prepare the piece to the perfect consistency, and then you have to put effort into blowing so that the bubble can expand. It requires patience and a sense of knowing when to stop.

That said, if it does explode on your face, you can always try again. If the gum looses flavor, you can always stop chewing or try again with a different piece. The risk might be great, but the reward is so amazing.

I finally did find a job, temporary and lasting one year, that I well enjoy. Do I feel passionate about this job? Probably not. But I get a year to test it out and figure if this is what I want to do. But at least it is a step in the right direction. I am also in a new relationship that is leading to a degree of permanence and stability, so my passions will likely change as I consider not just my needs, but the needs of others (spouse, children etc).

I have always wanted to be a romance novel writer and maybe I will become a writer one day, but right now, it's not at the fore front of my thoughts. I also have a number of other dreams and the ranking changes like I change. But it is important to realize that like gum, you can always change the flavor or the brand if what you are pursing is no longer your passion.

Trying to pinpoint one's passion when one is growing and changing and evolving puts limits on your dreams. It doesn't allow you to adapt or change your dreams as your life changes and you acquire new interests.

I also think that maybe living the ordinary life, doing ordinary things, is fine. It's not exciting, but there is something to be said about enjoying the day to day life. There is a certain pleasure in chewing the gum, not just blowing the gum. The opportunities will present themselves and you will know when to go after them.

That all said, it still leaves us with a burning question: If not now, when?

When do you pursue your passions? When do you take the courage and risk to blow the bubble? You can't just spend your life chewing and then wondering why you never got to see a bubble. At what point do you need to stop considering the safety in what you have, and the needs of others, to pursue your own desires?

A friend of mine recently said that she puts her husband and her kids first. Commendable and as it should be at this stage of her kids life. But not once did she mention putting her needs first, and not once did she mention herself as a priority, not once did she put importance on her own passions.

So what then? How do you balance the realities of life, like the need to pay rent and the need to eat food, with the burning desire to pursue your passion? I think what makes it harder is when you see people who pursue their passions, at great cost, and they are either happy or have made a success of pursuing their passion at all cost.

Hmmm. I have a feeling that this is the kind of topic that never ends, that you will go back to again and again as you discover different ways of viewing things and experience different stages of your life.

Note to Fat Self: Buh-bye.

Holy crap I am tired of being fat. Plain and simple. And no, I am not just "big-boned" for all you nay-sayers (I'm dinosaur boned if you really want the honest truth). While I appreciate the comments of "you are beautiful just the way you are" and all that drivel, the reality is that I feel disgusting in my skin. This is not just about "being" fat, it's about "feeling" fat.

You can be fat and be completely fine with it. There are a number of fat acceptance societies out there and kudos to them. But for me, I have moved from the stage of being fat and feeling somewhat o.k. with it to feeling fat. To feeling the extra skin on me. To feeling the effect of huffing and puffing up the stairs. To feeling winded running 1/2 a block to the bus stop. To feeling the table at the restaurant with my body because there is not enough space between the chair and the table (although it is of note that my skinny friends have plenty of space, so we can't blame the restaurant, can we?).

Now that I have reached that critical point that I think one needs to reach to get serious about it, I am now taking steps to go from this:



to this:

This is not about a journey, because the measure of the journey can only be measured at the end. This is not about me "getting serious" because trust me, I have been nothing but serious this entire time. I have been either serious about losing weight or serious about gaining weight.


This is about me rethinking the way I view exercise and food.

I can either view food as a pleasure to satisfy my wants and needs

or

I can view food that is a source of fuel for my body, and if I happen to have moments of pleasure, then score!

I can view exercise as this burden that I must participate in to get better/healthier/stronger

or

I can view exercise as this opportunity to find out what I enjoy and if I benefit by feeling healthier/stronger/better than score!

This is all about changing my mindset about how I view food and exercise. This is about me setting my goals and working day by day, step by step, calorie by calorie to achieve success.

I used to view diet as this big ordeal that I must overhaul my entire life if I was to be successful. And to a certain amount, that is true. But, it is a greater ordeal to be overweight. It is an ordeal to deal with the related complications of being overweight. So either way, it's just a matter of choosing which ordeal I want to endure.

I think the choice is easy when I put it that way, so buh-bye fat Dani. I can't say it was a pleasure knowing you, but I learned a lot from you all the same.

Scale vs. Dani.

The cruelest invention ever created by man was the personal scale. It is a dieters tool of torment. It can deliver great news sometimes, but more times than not it delivers awful news to the user. The scale is some sort of evil truth telling prophet. You are faced with the truth about yourself every time you step on one.

A few weeks ago, I stepped on the scale and this is how it initially responded:

It further went on to say that I was:


So now it is a battle of wills. A battle to show the scale that I can lose weight. That I can get into shape. That I can fight the scale and win.

In all fairness to the scale though, it did send me this message before I stepped on:


And hopefully as I battle the scale, I will remember that I am still awesome, even if the scale wins sometimes.