13 July 2009

Wild Species Survival Guide: The Obnoxious Baseball Fan.

Latin Name: homosapien obnoxious

English Name: Obnoxious Baseball Fan. (aka: OBF)

Origin: Although thought to be descendents of wild apes, scientists have recently discovered DNA links that indicate that they are in fact an ape.

Lifespan: They last about 3-5 hours but can rebirth daily during the spring to fall season.

Staples: OBF prefer foods of high fat content to keep their belly's firm enough to be used as a table to record baseball statistics. Particularly fond of hotdogs, nacho's, pizza and peanuts. They consume large amounts of waterous beverages derived from a combination of hops and barley.

Population: Although once small in number, their population has been increasing. They can be found directly behind me in almost every venue. There are larger populations in warmer climates.

Range: They can be found all over the world, but are particularly indigenous to North America. They tend to migrate to my section no matter what venue I happen to be located.

Behaviour: OBF's tend to travel in packs and are easily encouraged by the cheering or acknowledgement of others. They are often loud and speak with a firm judgement. Deep inadequacy of their own experiences makes them deeply judgemental of those who excel. They tend to think they know how to play the game better. They can be particularly irate towards umpires and are easily angered by managers. The fail to notice annoyed glances or awkward silences around them.

Mating season: Sadly, OBF's do mate. They tend to attract similar alpha-females. However, it has been observed that they prey on innocent nearby females who embarass easily, with the hope that this time honoured mating dance may increase their chances of reproduction.

Threats: Their biggest enemy is the park security attendent or police officer. Can be prone to irate gestures, physical violence and loud yelling when confronted.

Gifts: Although they think their gifts are their opinions and their lame attempts at humour, their actual gift is their insane ability to win 50/50's and catch t-shirts despite not be worthy of the prize.

What to do if confronted by an OBF: If avoiding eye contact does not work, pointed staring can work in some cases. If situation does not resolve, a general comment in any direction might work, although it is advised to avoid direct conversation at all costs. Their threats tend to be able to weed them out. The best thing to do for maximum results is for large groups to not respond or react, thereby weakening their powers. At last resort, kick them in the balls or tell the female alpha-wolf that there is a richer OBF in another section.
I hope my handy guide will help when faced with an Obnoxious Fan Syndrome.


Joanna said...

Laughing my ass off here… you nailed it!

It pains me the most to know that OBFs are capable of self-multiplication. As in, given their overindulgence in “beverages derived from a combination of hops and barley”, reproduction seems inevitable. As does their lack of adequate parenting skills.

If only we could do as you suggested at the game and just “clap them out of the park”. (…Or zap them with Tasers whenever they engage in barbaric activities. Either way is fine by me….)

Down with OBFs!!!

Dani said...

I love it! Taser them..then clap them out.

Those asshats behind us at the Capitals game were obnoxious. Blah.