17 February 2010
When your whole year feels like Lent.
Yesterday, the time came to fast and make a lenten promise of penance to "give up" something (and, as our Bishop encourages, to "do" something good). I had to say, this year I struggled with what to "give up" and "do" for Lent.
I know this sounds selfish, but I am resentful of the fact that I have to give up or do anything at all. Not because I don't get the spirit of Lent, or the reasonings behind Lent. I truly do.
But I honestly feel like I have spent the last year "giving up" and "doing". I feel like every month this year, I have had to give up more (becuase of finances) and goodness knows, I'm not short of "doing" this year either.
I haven't bought any new clothes or shoes unless absolutely necessary. I have not even really gone out or did anything spectacular, and when I did, it was a fairly cheap evening, mindful that I am not a bank of unlimited wealth. When I did buy my self something extravagant, like my WII, I used gift cards. I have managed to pay off my debts while accumulating some savings.
In the meantime, I practically live at my church, with serving as Sacristan, Lector, RCIA Team Member and on the executive of the CWL. I have volunteered for anything related to charity through my church as well.
That is on top of the blood, sweat and tears and time wasted at work, which this year in particular sucked my sould right out of me. I went from a support team of 3 to just me.
All of this comes at a great expense, and I don't normally complain because..we...I don't. I mean, I kvetch a bit, but I don't sit there and go woe is me.
For basically the last year, my life is LENT IN ACTION. It's every single month, not just 40 days. So the idea of having to give up or do one more thing just grates on me. Why can't I for once give nothing up and be a taker?
So thus, I give up my ONE VICE of caffiene. And I take what little time I have to do one more thing. I feel like I am facing a big spirtual test as my spirit wanes under the massive pressure of constantly doing and giving up.
I surely hope that the payoff of giving up caffiene and meeting seniors pays off at the end of the 40 days. I know that is not how I *should* look at this whole process of Lent. But then again, how many others live a lenten life all year long?