Friday's Top Five: Shows That Were Cancelled Too Soon

Hello faithful readers of five! Have you ever been personally invested into a television show, only to have the bastards executives at a major network cancel the show too soon?

If the answer is OMFG yes those sonsofbitches, then read on as I share my angst and rage.
And joining me this week, as always for this feature, is Joanne from A Cup of Jo, and Junior from Juice with Junior.

I am not going to explain the plot or synopsis of the show (that's what Wikipedia was invented for - and you can click on the title to read all about said show). I will instead post my emotions. Because goodness knows, everyone wants to read about my feelings. When you are done reading my bullshit brilliant work of art, leave comments (because they are my she-ra sword) and head on over to their blogs.

In order from rage to complete heartbreak (worst to even more worst):

5. Las Vegas (NBC)
So this show wasn't exactly what one would call "stellar" {imagine me using the air quotes finger gesture}. You probably won't see this show on anyone else's top 5 list (unlike Arrested Development which everyone seems to loooooovvvvveee). But I enjoyed this show. I loved the concept of the show, the intro music, the relationships, the storyline, and James Caan. I loved how every time I watched, I wanted to fly on a plane to Vegas. What was frustrating is that it ended the season prematurely due to a writers strike. And then never came back because of an off-season cancellation. So all we were left with was pregnant Delinda bleeding at the alter in Danny's arm. All I ask for is closure. Damnit.

4. American Gothic (CBS)
In today's heavy supernatural/vampire-driven market, we take for granted the concept of the creepy gothic-weird show. But before Buffy, Vampire Diaries, True Blood and Supernatural, there was American Gothic. American Gothic was this creepy show involving a child, Lucas Black, and the details surrounding his birth (in a town with creepy things going on). It was good vs. evil and creepy as all hell. It was so well acted and completely riveting. But it was a show that was aired before it's time, in a market that wasn't quite ready for that.

3. Life on Mars (US Version) (ABC)
The way this show was handled makes me hulk-smash mad. The concept was brilliant. A modern day cop gets smacked up and wakes up, only to find himself in the year 1973. And it was so good. And you weren't sure if this was a coma, or some bizarre mind-control thing, or if this was for real or imaginary. And it was neat seeing him deal with the technology of the day, but aware of what the future held. It definitely had elements of the show Lost, but that in the end was its' detriment. It really was one of those shows you sort of had to pay attention to and watch each week. But the boneheads at ABC kept moving the show around, or not airing shows for weeks, which made that process hard. And when they did pull the plug (but allowed the show to finish the season), the end was so convenient, contrived and unsatisfying. It didn't really make sense in the context of the show.  But it was a damn good show while it lasted.

2. Carnivale (HBO)
I was utterly in love with this show, in an obsessive-stalkerish kind of way that my husband is all too familiar with. I came across this show through word of mouth. I borrowed the DVD and hunkered down. It was brilliant. The acting. The concept. The storyline. It had a plot! IT HAD A PLOT! The show was set during the dust bowl-era of the the 30's. It was the battle of good vs. evil, with religious and pagan undertones. It was a mad macabre of delight that flashed before my eyes. But alas, it was one of those shows that no one was ready for. It was a show that required emotional investment, competing against mindless reality shows. And goodness knows, we wouldn't want to actually think while watching TV. I live in eternal hope that Carnivale can be resurrected from the dead.

1. American Dreams (NBC)
This was my favourite show of all time. I loved this show like no other (before or since). It represented everything I love: family, history, relationships, music, nostalgia, J.J. and his dad, and awesome clothes.  It was an instant classic about a bygone era. So when this show was cancelled, I was genuinely upset. I did all the steps of grief:

• shock: "why God why?"
• denial: "It will be picked up by another network!"
• pain: "I'm calling in sick to work and staying in bed"
• guilt: "maybe if I had only encouraged all my worldly friends to watch"
• bargaining: "I will buy the DVD of Season One, and you will see how popular this show is and bring it back right?"
• anger: "I hate you NBC!"
• more anger: "I will forever boycott the peacock network!"
• and still more anger: "You f*ck*rs! Why won't you put season 2 & 3 on DVD?"

I'm not at the recovery and acceptance stages yet. NOR WILL I EVER BE! {Oh yes, I unleashed the ALL CAPS. Shits about to get real. The world needs to hear my anger. Except they can't really hear. So why people get mad at all caps for shouting when no one is actually saying anything baffles me. But I digress.}

The thing that makes me angry is that it's one thing to cancel the show and not bringing any closure to the show. But the bastards have rubbed salt in the wound by not releasing Season 2 & 3 on DVD!
My heart still aches for this show. I still live in eternal hope for a movie-of-the-week at the very least.
*SOB*

I think part of the reason it only lasted 3 years, when it had so much more story to tell is simple: for all the crap you hear in the news about people wanting a show about "American/family values" is a bunch of horse dung. People want shows like Honey Boo-Boo and The Kardashians so that they scream about values, but they don't actually want to have a show about values.

And for funzies, watch this clip of the intro while I crawl  into the corner and cry.

So there you go folks! That's another rousing edition of the Friday Five! Don't forget to leave comments, and then mosey on over to see what Jo and Junior has to say.

Question for the world: What are shows you think were cancelled too soon?

Friday's Top Five: Things I Love and Will Miss about The Olympics

Hello faithful readers of five! I want to introduce you to a new weekly theme - with a twist! Every week, I will post a list of top five things. They will be a list of five things on a variety of topics. The twist is, I will be posting my independent thoughts and opinions on the same topic as my blogger (and bestest) friends, Joanne (and on occasion, Junior).  So once you are done reading my blog, head on over to A Cup of Jo and Juice With Junior to see their perspectives! Leave comments if you wish on what we have posted. Comments are like a She-ra sword in our world.  {Editor Note: Due to a previous committment involvling caftans and John Cena, Junior will not participate in this week's theme}

Without much further ado, here are a list of five reasons why I love and will miss the Olympics! {Insert fanfare and trumpets here}.

5) The Opening (& Closing) Ceremonies:  There is something about Olympic Opening and Closing Ceremonies that instill pride and national embarassment. On the one hand, you get an opportunity to see a hosting nations culture on display and for the most part, you can't help but feel a sense of patriotic pride, even on behalf of a country you don't in which you don't live. On the other hand, for the citizen of said hosting nation, these ceremonies can occastionaly dabble in what I love to call 'did-they-just-do-that-omg-i'm-so-embarassed' moments.  Take the Whister Winter Olympics in 2010 for example. I was stoked to see Wayne Gretzky carry the torch. But then they brought out the big giant beavers at the closing ceremonies. Makes for great fun if you are playing a drinking game. Or just drinking. Or possibly smoking some wacky tobaccy. The London 2012 Summer games had moments of pure brilliance (The Queen/James Bond scene) and moments where I went "huh?" Yes, I am talking to you Annie Lennox. Good or bad, awsome or awesomely funny, they bring excitement at the beginning, and sadness at the end. And because I won this year's self-imposed drinking game, I think they rock.

4) Everyone is either a sports expert or a comedian in 40 characters or less: When I reluctantly joined Twitter, I didn't think that it would lead to an enhanced experience of my Olympic watching. Boy was I wrong. I got to expereince the Olympics in a whole new way. A lot of olympians had twitter accounts, so it was fun to see the experience through their viewpoint and pictures. Their joy, sadness and emotions were out there for all to see. Then there are what I like to call the arm-chair athletes, who all-of-a-sudden became experts at sports they never watch on any given day in any other year. Oh, the injustice of a referee making a call on a legitimate rule! #aretheyeffingidiots? Then there is the excitement when our country wins a medal, or "our" athlete is trending!

But the best part for me personally? Watching the closing ceremonies with my tweeps and more importantly, finding the fake account of the Queen. {Handle: Queen_UK}. Here are a sample of tweets that had me laughing:

• There's only One Direction one wants to see these little girls heading and that's the exit. {referring to the band One Direction}
• The whole world inside the Union Flag. Brings back memories.
• It's all about the money to be fair. {referring to Jessie J's performance}
• Those Rolls Royce better come back clean or one will have someone's balls on a silver plate, one can assure you.

3) Exposure to obscure sports:  To be fair, anything outside of hockey in Canada is probably considered an obscure sport. With the summer Olympics however, obscure sports takes on a whole new meaning. One day, I was at home, slumming in my pj's, thinking to myself "geez I wish I was athletic" as I noshed away on some junk food. And I turn on the t.v. and see a group of athletes walking through the streets of London, walking like they have to go to the bathroom or they will have an ass-plosion.  WTF?  Turns out speed walking is a qualified Olympic sport. Who knew? But I could not turn the TV to another channel! I had to watch to see if Deng* would beat Hong* to be the supreme speed walker of China. Would Razimanof* from Russia make a burst of speed? Whoa-where the hell did that french guy LePeu* come from? It made for some intense stuff my friends. Intense stuff.  {*may or may not be their actual name}

The ultimate exposure came one day when my loving husband and I were lazing around in our pj's (a common theme of the Olympic watching experience). We turn the channel, and there are these horses, kind of prancing around in a picket-fence enclosed spot. What in the name of the wee donkey is this? Well it turns out, there is a sport called Dressage. Have you ever heard of that? Me neither. It's sort of like me at Zumba, but slower and more graceful, and with a horse. Riveting stuff my friends (I say as I drink my port wine, pinkie extended).

I love it when I get the chance to watch obscure sports. And the Olympics are the only stage in which I am likely to do so.

 

2) When athletes achieve their/our personal best or overcome obstacles: There is this natural obsession that happens when the world meets to compete - the desire to win the most medals (especially gold ones). While that is admirable, a medal count or an athlete winning a medal doesn't inspire me as much as it maybe should. For the majority of countries (Canada included in some sports), the government (vis-a-vis the people) do not place athletic competition as a priority. In powerhouses like China and USA, state of the art facilities are built. But in most countries, athletes are lucky if they have a local gym. It's hard to believe that in a country like Canada, some athletes train out of church basements because that is all they have.

With this in mind, and the fact that we compete against 302 other countries, we should not be disappointed when our athletes don't medal. We especially should be cheering them on loudly when they do their personal best or rank higher than expected for certain events. If Canada places in the top 10 in things like gymnastics, that's a pretty big freaking deal. When we place top 8 in running against countries like Jamaica, most African countries, and the USA, that is a pretty big freaking deal. If an up-and-coming athlete does their personal best, that is a pretty big freaking deal and bodes well for future competitions. Heck, even if we place last place, they are doing better than us who sit on the couch. We need to look beyond medals, and recognize and celebrate athletic achievement for what it is.

It is particularly inspiring though, when an athlete overcomes huge obstacles (such as gender for the Saudi Arabian female athletes) or disability (like South African sprinter Oscar Pistorius, a double amputee) and competes on the world stage. Oscar Pistorius ran with carbon legs people. That's a pretty big freaking deal. Sarah Attar, a female from Saudi Arabia competed, covered in a burka from head-to-toe. That's a pretty big freaking deal. An American athlete continued to compete in a relay race with a broken leg. A BROKEN LEG! That's a pretty big freaking deal. Canadian athlete Paula Findlay finished a race in last place with a painful hip injury. She was hurt, but she finished. That's a pretty big freaking deal.

I love pretty-big-freaking-deals I tell yeah. I do.

1) The Agony of Defeat: There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that stirs our collective national pride like close-call defeats. You want to get Canada's knickers in a bunch? Don't win a gold, as exciting as that is. Lose an important medal-contention event in a controversial manner! Then watch Canadians come together in a collective chorus of national identity.

When the Canadian women's soccer team lost a semi-final match because of a controversial call, all of a sudden, the bronze medal soccer match was the sport to watch. All of a sudden, a barely watched sport became Canada's national sport event. Tempers were flaring over a perceived or real botched-call (I'm no soccer expert so what do I know if it was fair or not?). So it was IMPORTANT that we win a bronze medal. Our country pride was on the line. Canada held their collective breath and then cheered as if we had won gold.

When Canada's 4x100 men's relay team won the bronze, most of Canada was pretty stoked for a few minutes. But when they were disqualified for what seemed like a tiny mistake, we were collectively distraught and heart broken. And after that disbelief, we rallied, as a nation should, behind our guys. We rallied behind Jared Connaughton when he stepped up and accepted blame for stepping on the line, the heartache clear. We rallied behind them and cheered them on, knowing in our hearts that they were winners.

Maybe we rally because we see ourselves when defeat happens. Maybe we can all relate on a personal level when your dreams are snatched away at the decision of others. Or when you don't quite feel like you are professionally or personally where you want to be. Or maybe, just maybe, it is because as a country we feel disconnected from each other, and the Olympics give us a collective experience to share.

****
There's my list folks. There are other reasons, but hot Olympic men isn't the most appropriate thing that a newly married women should blog about.

Be sure to go visit my homie Joanne at A Cup of Jo, where she shares her Friday Five Olympic moment.

And leave comments. Remember: comments are my She-ra sword!

What are your top five moments?

I miss my friend(s).

Image source: readinasinglesitting.com

I have been planning my wedding for some time now, and in two months, I will be walking down the aisle. The planning has for the most part been ok, with a few stressful moment here and there. Nothing that deep-breathing and a night of hard drinking can't solve.  I can't wait for the day to arrive, when I marry the man that I love, and we start our little humble life together.

And while plans are coming along, and things are falling into place, there is a small part of me that is sad. Two people will not be part of my celebrations.  I loved both deeply. I felt connected to both deeply. But because of reasons I can't control, or won't control, neither will be there.

 ******

Wendy was a dear friend that I met through my fiance. She was the wife of his best friend. She wasn't going to wait for dear fiance to introduce us. She took the bull by the horns, found me on Facebook, introduced herself, and immediately made plans for us to hang out - regardless of whether it was good for my fiance or her husband (and that didn't really change after we met... ha ha!).

She was warm, loving, awesome, funny, lovable, trustworthy....everything you could want in a friend. When the time came to plan my wedding, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she was going to be a bridesmaid. And when I did ask, we cried (the happy tears) and I told her she was one of my best friends, and she said the same back. Then, just when things were getting to a point where we were in sync, where we could read each others minds and finish each others sentances, she was cruelly taken away from me. On September 30th, 2011, she passed away suddenly.

My heart broke (and is still fractured) that day. It's slowly started to heal, but I live in a world of constant reminders of her. The bright golden rod sun. The lady bugs flying by. A song by Sting on the radio. I really miss her in those moments when I am planning my wedding, overwhelmed with choices and emotions, and I don't have my rock to support me.

But there is nothing I can do. I have to accept that she will be there in spirit, and most importantly, I will have to be o.k. with that.

 ******

Samia was a dear friend that I met when I started working at Safeway back in 1995, fresh out of high school. We both started work on the same day, me as a cashier, she as a florist. We pretty much hit it off right from the get-go, but it wasn't until the Safeway strike of 1998 that our friendship really took off. It was also the time that her mother died, and I spent so much time going over to her place, being a rock to lean off, that I practically lived there!

Our time together was so much fun. We would check-out guys together while working (a term I use loosely). We would confide in each other. She would teach me how to make certain types of Lebenese foods. I would pass along gossipy news about co-workers. We shared our feelings, our emotions, our fears. I would go to weddings of her family members, because I was part of the family. We laughed (a lot). We did the craziest shit together.

In many ways, what was great about Samia is that she was my friend that I didn't have to share with anybody. Almost all of my friends know each other (from junior and senior high), so even if you are really close with one person, you still have to share them with others. But with Samia, she was my friend that was independant from the others. And I told her things that I just couldn't tell others. We had a bond that was strong.

Unfortuneately, my life path was very much different from hers. Our education was different (highschool with some floral certificate courses vs. university). Our cultural expectations were different (the expectation to be a wife/mother vs. the expectation to be a career woman). And as we both were growing, it started to become harder to overlook those differences. If that wasn't strenuous enough, I was going through emotional and financial difficulties which made me sometimes withdrawn or stressed or depressed. I just simply couldn't meet her emotional needs or expectations as a friend.

So we would fight. At first it was just little petty arguments. With our similar mindset and similar argumentative style, it was easy to have a big blow-out. Through the hardships of her own growing up, she wasn't exactly a forgiving person (in the sense of reaching out first). A few months would go by, and then I would call her up. We would hash it out, and things would be better (another term I use loosely). We made vows that we would talk out our issues before they got out of control.

Then the fights started escalating to deeper, more intense - but infinately more petty - arguments and misunderstandings. The time before last, I called her up after 1.5 years, and at that point, she had lost all her weight, but my situation was getting worse (work was beyond stressful, life was just piling up, my emotions all over the place).  So while her expectations of what she needed in a friend changed, mine got more demanding, but I was less giving.

Our last big fight was in 2008. I was having a busy, stressful month at work.  I wasn't necessarily returning calls right away. Things were spiralling out of control. Work was affecting my life, my mood, my emotion, my relationships. She called one day, but I didn't get the message. In the meantime, I called her once quickly at work, but someone else answered, and clearly, had not passed on the message. One day, I was having a particularly rough day, and I checked my phone messages. And she had bascially yelled me out, with a few choice names, for not returning her call after two weeks. Clearly, there was misunderstandings, missed calls, miscommunication - and our vow to patch things out went out the window.

I was pissed off, angry, hurt. I was done. 

So there you be. It's been four years now. Four years of me almost picking up the phone. Once I messaged her sister through Facebook, but it wasn't a genuine apology because I was still in a place of hurt. Since then, I have grown. Spiritually. Emotionally. Mentally. Things are right now. There is still the part of me that misses Samia, especially when times are tough. Living in the north end of town near "little Lebanon", it is hard not to be reminded of her. But I am doubtful that things would change if we were to reconnect. And I am certain that we both have changed so much that it wouldn't be the same anyways.

******

In a prefect world, if life had worked out as it should have, both Wendy and Samia would be an integral part of my day, and my life. 

I miss my friends. One I will never get a chance to say I love you again, and the other I just don't see the opportunity to say so happening.

Dani wades into politics...does she drown or float?

Hello my faithful readers of 5. It's blog time. (a.k.a. I'm sick and bored out of my tree, and possibly picking for a fight...one that I will have no energy to actually fight back, thus rendering this post useless. But I digress.)

This has been an interesting election to say the least. The Alberta PC Party has been the monarchy government in power since well before I was born. I honestly thought I would die before they were ever remotely close to loosing power. The Alberta Liberal Party has been the official ghost opposition for just as long, with the Alberta New Democrat Party hanging on for dear life.

Then some weird things started to happen.

• Cowboys and rig pigs started getting pissed off at their PC party for moving to the center, so every single slight from royalty taxes to land rights started to become a bone of contention. In response, they voted Allison Redford, who kinda looks like she belongs to the Liberal Party (through a screwy system in which the 3rd place candidate became the leader.)
• Middle class white collar liberals started fracturing because of lack of leadership, vision, and fatigue at constantly sailing on the Titanic. So some left and formed The Alberta Party, which is what you get when you merge a Liberal and a Conservative...I think? So how did the Liberals respond? They elected to their leadership someone who used to be a PC Conservative party member, who quite frankly is a odd-ball who has great one liners, but shaky policy promises.
• The NDP carried on as always, appealing to the hippies, students, and eco-warriors, continuing to be led by a blue-collar worker (who doesn't have the support of actual blue-collar workers) who has led the party down in seats after every election.
• Remember those pissed-off cowboys and rig pigs? Well they got attracted to a shiny new party, the Wildrose Alliance Party of Alberta. They elect someone who is a self-professed Libertarian to lead the socially conservative group, one that make's the PC's look like New Democrats. In the process, they nominated a pastor who hates gays, a man who thinks he's pretty fly for a white guy, and a member who likes to rub elbows with the KKK.

So are we clear? We have a liberal leading the conservatives, a conservative leading the liberals, a blue-collar worker leading the hippies, and a libertarian leading the conservative party, and a new liberal party led by another conservative.

You have a party that has ruled, unchallenged, for so long that they have ignored and pissed-off their base, and sometimes reek of corruption. You have a shiny new party with good fiscal policies, but scary-as-shit candidates running on scary-as-shit social issues. You have a party that has been destroyed by a scary-as-shit conservative pretending to be a liberal. You have a party that has no hope in hell of winning in this province because of good social policy but crazy-bad fiscal policy. And you have another shiny new party made up of mostly former liberals pretending to be Red Tory's. 

What this election has come down to is change.What kind of change do we want?

I will say a few personal thoughts:

• Change for the sake of change isn't a great reason to change. I don't think the PC government had operated as badly as some claim, but I don't think they've governed as well as they should have. If they do get elected back into power, let's hope they remember how close they came to losing it all, and get back to being a government, not a monarchy. *Note: I like monarchy's, but only the royal kind...not the political kind*
• On that same note, as scary as some of the candidates are, I don't think the WRA is as bad as some make them out to be. They do have some good policies. Every time Danielle Smith speaks, I am scared less and less, and more sure that nut-jobs will be tempered. For that matter, as scary as some of the new parties candidates are, we are also the same province that let a government sit in power for 41 years with members who thought the same thing (Ted Morton, Doug Elniski, Tony Abbott etc...). So why the outrage now? If Alberta was ok with nutters for 41 years without speaking out, I suspect they will be ok with nutters for 41 more years....
• Don't discount the other parties. They have good policies, and who ever wins the election amongst the two leading conservatives party, it would behoove that leader to sit down with these other parties and cherry-pick the best they have to offer. It makes sense.

Despite the craziness, I think everyone should vote. But instead of voting strategically, vote for who you truly believe in, and let the election be a true reflection of Alberta's views. It may surprise people in ways they didn't suspect and lead to a better balance of power amongst all parties.

Also, one final note: I know we are tempted in social media to use it like a bully field, tweeting punches left and right. I know we can get upset about issues, people, viewpoints. But remember that we are all human. No one person is one-dimensional. Allan Hunsperger is also a caring family man, father, husband, grandfather who does mission work in third world countries, and served his community in good faith for many years, and maybe in the fullness of time will come to see the error of his thinking by meeting people of the LGBQT community.

People vote for parties for many different reasons. A vote for the PC's does not necessarily mean a vote for pay nothing committees. A vote for the WRA does not necessarily mean a vote for bigotry. A vote for the NDP does not necessarily mean a vote for stricter environment regulations.

We all have our views. We all have our issues that are important to us. And we vote accordingly. If the vote doesn't turn out your way, people aren't stupid. They are informed on the issues important to them, which don't necessarily mean the issues important to you.

Looking Back: Best of Divulge with Dani

Hi faithful readers (of four)! I've decided to approach my blog with a clean slate, always ever moving forward. But before I do, I thought I would catch you up with some of my favourite blogs since inception. In the off-chance that someone new reads my blog, they can save themselves the ordeal of having to read all my crap posts to find the gems. If you are a regular reader (all four of you), then you can re-live my humour, insight, bullshit, and general thoughts! It's sometimes good to look back, to see how far you have come....

Here is a list of what I think are my best blogs. Some reflect humour. Some reflect my struggles and thoughts on life. Some are just plain fun (or funny). So have a seat, grab a drink, and read away mes amies!

• Catholic Sunday's: I'm becoming a Catholic, not a Saint (22 March 2009) - I enjoy this post because it was humourous, and it takes me back to my journey on becoming a Catholic
• This Used to be my Playground (17 June 2009): These words still ring true today.
• My field of dreams, and the discovery of my love for baseball (12 July 2009): I love baseball, and this post explains why.
• Skinny memories...shaky at best (12 July 2009): I exposed some of my vulnerability here, and to this day, this post remains true.
• Wild Species Survival Guide: The Obnoxious Baseball Fan (13 July 2009): Seriously, this may very well be my best and most favourite post. I was particularly witty this day.
• It's the little things (9 February 2010): Not a great post per se, but my blogging, and life habits for that matter, remain the same. The more things change....
• That's What I Love About Sundays (13 February 2010): A fun little random, happy, post with a great song.
• A Day with the Catz (15 February 2010): A funny little post about my adventures in cat-sitting.
• Confession Time: I am a Farmville Horder (19 June 2010): A funny post on a game that I finally gave up, but this post, and the picture, still makes me laugh.  
• The Boys of Fall (12 August 2010): Oh, how I love fall! Not a stellar post or anything, but I still enjoy the song, and it captures a bit of who I am. Taps into my nostalgia.
• Personal passions and living the dream: if not now, when? (2 October 210): I like to go back to this post everyonce in a while to reflect and ask myself this question every once in a while. It's something I'm constantly questioning...

So I hope you enjoyed those posts. It gives you a bit of a sense of my blogging style, which is to say, totally random.

2011: Meh.

Hello faithful readers (all four of you).  It's been a while. In fact, I'm quite embaressed that I have blogged a whopping total of one time this year. But that's neither here nor there. I'm back now. It's all part of the rediscover-what-I-love-to-do journey I've been on lately.

This last year has been, shall we say, interesting.  I've had the best, and worst, moments of my life bundled up into 365 days. My mood has been all over the map this year. The best I can some up 2011 is: meh.

The highs? The love of my life, Mr. M, proposed to me in Las Vegas on my birthday! We went for a week, staying at the beautiful Mandalay Bay with a strip view. After a day of pampering, including a spa treatment and a trip to the beauty salon, we went to The Mix at the top of the Mandalay Bay. After a glorious, and expensive, dinner, he popped the question. This day will forever be one of the best moments of my life. The love I have for Mr. M overwhelms me everyday of my life. He's truly my soulmate and my best friend.

The lows? Where to begin. Oh where to begin. Do we start with the diagnosis of sarcoidosis? Shall I begin by mentioning the debilitating pain I went through for three months? And the endless tests I had to (and still have to) endure? The disease I will carry for the rest of my life, even if it stays in remission?

Or should we declare the death of my beautiful friend Wendy as the lowest of lows? I miss her beautiful smile, her wise words, our shared laughter, our shared cattiness, and our eskimo kisses. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think of Wendy. Where I don't miss her to the depths of my heart.

Perhaps, more painfully, is the changing nature of friendships that has been the hardest to deal with. The loss of a friend due to a sudden death is a tragedy. The loss of a friend, through a misunderstanding, or a change in circumstances, or through some preventable or unpreventable action is devastating.  When changes like this occur, you question yoursellf. You question what you thought was true. You question what you thought was reliable. You question what you thought was constant. Did you do enough? Did you do too much? Did it matter in the end? Or was it inevitable? 

Sometimes though, the pain about a friendship can occur while you are still friends with that person. You are still friends, sure. But it's not the same. Things have changed, good or bad, and so has the friendship, sometimes catching you blindsided.

When December 31, 2011 at 11:59:59 comes, I will not mourn what was 2011. It was a meh year to be sure. But 2012 holds out so much hope. Come this time next year, I will be a wife, and trying to concieve a baby (if not already pregnant). I have so much to look forward to that, as painful as the last year was, the hope of the future outshines any sadness I carry with me.

Happy New Years my faithful readers (of four)!

Message to my younger self: things turned out ok.

I stumbled across an old blog that I had (and forgot about). I only had a few posts, and they were my first attempts at blogging.  Some general observations of my younger, twenty-something self: I was extremely witty..and extremely lonely.  Perhaps the severe wittiness covered the pain that it took to grow into myself.

Would I tell myself, knowing what I know now, that it's going to be o.k.?
Would I tell young Dani that I would find that epic, soul-filling, heart-bursting love that I thought only existed in romance novels? 
Would I tell young Dani that all the stress that I experienced, in my then job, would lead to a professional growth that would be an asset and a strength that I would carry forward? 
Would I tell young Dani that the path she dreamed of would be completely different... and better?
Would I tell young Dani that the weight-loss journey never stops?
Would I tell young Dani that she would continue to be witty, but out of a genuine happiness, and not from a place of pain? 
Would I tell young Dani that financial hardships never really stop, but she would eventually learn the value of (and be a better manager of) money?
Would I tell younger Dani that she shouldn't have held back on going to all those places she dreamed of while she had the chance to do so?
Would I tell young Dani to not hold back because of fear?
Would I tell younger Dani to take better care of her health and be more proactive in addressing her respiratory issues she had then?
Would I tell young Dani that things get so much better when she hits her thirties?
Would I tell young Dani that the confidence she lacked (hidden behind her tough and witty exterior) would actually blossom into a real, solid, confidence?

I never though that a blog would be a portal into a life I once lived. That my memories would fade as I move forward, eager to experience new things. That I would have the opportunity to look back and see my own words and thoughts... and be able to look at them with the same eyes, but fresh ones.

To answer my questions: No, I wouldn't tell young Dani anything. Young Dani had to grow and learn and experience to be where she's at today.  And maybe one day, Old Dani will look back at this blog, with old but fresh eyes, and be able to write to thirty-something Dani with words of wisdom on things current Dani can't possibly fathom now.

Getting into the spirit of Christmas.

Did you enjoy that? So beautiful.

This is shaping up to be the best Christmas ever! I am with the man that I love and we are sharing the season together.

I'm fat...can I blame my family?

"It is estimated that this generation of children will be the first generation to fail to live longer than their parents generation. Their lifestyle, eating habits and obesity puts them at greater risk
for health problems.": Medical Journal of something something something (basically I stole this off of the web but I don't know the original source...lol).

I am not at all surprised about this. For weeks, I have been slowly...but surely...loosing weight. I have also been spending a great deal of time at my bean pole skinny boyfriends place. My supportive, bad cop, healthy eating boyfriends place.

This last week, I have spent most of my time at home due to my boyfriend's wonky work schedule. And according to the scale, I am up 2-4 pounds. There is no healthy food in the house, and I've had takeaway food three days in a row.

Coincidence? Can I now officially blame my obesity on my family? Can I blame their bad influence and food choices on my weight?

Wouldn't that be nice. But no. I can lament their lack of support. But I am a big girl. I buy my own food. I make the choices of what I eat and don't eat. I know what is right and wrong...even if they don't. A wise man once said "forgive them for they know not what they do". That Jesus sure is a smart man.

So at the end of the day, to avoid being a statistic, I must make the choice to eat better and exercise more. Do I wish for more support and a better environment at home? Sure. And sadly, I think this generation of kids will younger because they are not being raised in an environment where they are made aware of other options, like we were. But still...it's nice to have an excuse. LOL.

Loose sweater.

I tried on my purple sweater today and it was baggy and loose. Yay! My butthead boyfriend was all "it stretched". Asshat. Ignore him.

That is all I have to say.